SOUTHERN EXPOSURE: NEW PHILOSOPHY ... AND SOME RAMBLINGS OF AN OVERUSED MIND

I have adopted a new philosophy on life. I'm not going to criticize something until I have either tried it or researched it.

I'm good at making snap judgments about things that I have little or no real knowledge of. I don't know anything about all religious sects and institutions yet I freely criticize many of them.

I regularly scoffed at the whole idea of herbs and herbal remedies, associating herbs with astrological charts and flowered Volkswagen vans. But then I did a story about the possible benefits of herbs and how widespread herbal treatments are becoming.

In fact, the whole idea of herbs would be something that should appeal to me. I don't particularly like taking conventional medicines, only popping an occasional ibuprofen for pain relief. I've kept myself out of hospitals and doctors' offices as much as possible, even to the point of staying up all night with a cut over one eye that probably should have required stitches.

I just don't dig the whole doctor thing, man.

So, in light of my new-found philosophy of experimentation and enlightenment, I've decided to try a herbal treatment to lose some weight. I've been trying to ditch an extra 15 pounds or so for the last 10 or 15 years now. I've also just started into a new schedule and added responsibilities on the job that have cut deeply into my exercise schedule.

While going through the adjustment I thought I would give this Chinese-metabolic-stimulator thingy a go. What could it hurt?

First of all it's got this treatment plan where you take six gigantic pills before every meal. These pills are supposed to reduce your appetite and boost your metabolism so you burn more fat.

Obviously, after downing all six of these horse-chokers I wouldn't have room for a meal so there goes the appetite. They're not very tasty but some sacrifices have to be made for science.

In addition to this, I'm also taking four more huge pills called "fat grabbers." These things are supposed to latch on to passing fat particles in the blood and take them straight out the door -- kind of like an overly discriminating bouncer.

One thing this system is doing is making me avoid meals. The thought of having to take 10 monstrous pills before every meal is going to make me cut down on how often I eat. Maybe that is the point.

Well, it's only for two weeks. We'll see how it goes.

Other thoughts and notes:

-- This column will be moving to every other Tuesday starting July 29. Heidi Nieland will be back to running a full time column.

-- Have you noticed how the space agency has become more politically correct? The first lander we sent to Mars was called Viking. Vikings were conquerors and raiders; They ventured in order to profit.

Now NASA has sent out Sojourner, which means visitor. We're just visiting, no need to get alarmed.

-- Lastly, to that Speakout caller who said Scott Moyers was abducted by aliens and we wouldn't be able to conceal the truth for long, I just wanted to say -- you're wrong. We'll be able to conceal it for as long as our little green masters want us to.

David Angier is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.