SOUTHERN EXPOSURE: IT DOESN'T TAKE TWO TO HAVE FUN

There are times when being a bachelor isn't too bad.

I have to do things for myself, which is a situation that many people try to avoid. I have heard so very often how someone won't cook a meal unless they're entertaining a visitor. A lot of single people won't go out to eat or go to a movie by themselves.

They would rather stay at home and watch television while munching on a cold sandwich or junk food instead of treating themselves to a hot meal and a movie. It's like they're punishing themselves for being alone.

Being alone is punishment enough without depriving yourself of some fine things in life.

Now I'm not saying I would go dancing by myself; I look silly enough when I try to dance with a partner. I probably wouldn't go to a sports bar and watch a football game by myself; I'd look ridiculous trying to high-five the waitress. And I don't take myself on picnics or park on secluded overlooks with romantic music playing on the tape deck; I'm not that comfortable being by myself.

But I do cook meals. I like to eat and I would quickly tire of sandwiches every night. I like experimenting with food to see what kinds of combinations I like the best. And even though I've definitely lost the ability to carry on a conversation while eating I have become a great dinner-time listener, just ask Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather and Diana Sawyer -- all of whom are frequent guests at meal time.

Living as a bachelor has some benefits as well.

Cleaning my apartment reflects a purely male approach, without the interference of knowing how to do it correctly. I use scouring powder on everything -- windows, walls, bathtub, dishes. And if scouring powder and steel wool are not enough to clean something then it's just going to stay dirty. I'll try to clean, but I'll only put so much effort into it.

My worst habit as a bachelor is clutter. I leave things everywhere. I'll even trip over things in the dark, turn ankles on discarded shoes, slip on socks left on the linoleum and just leave them. My thinking on this, if you want to call it that, is don't bother picking it up I'll learn to step over it.

I guess since I'm on the topic of the state of my apartment I should mention my refrigerator. I have some fruit, bananas mainly, that have been safely out of sight for about six weeks now in one of the drawers of my 'fridge. I am absolutely certain they have gone bad and I'm afraid to look. Because once I open that drawer and see what's in there I'm going to have to clean it out. At this time I'd rather not face that much reality. I'll avoid it until it starts to smell.

Going to movies unaccompanied is not such a bad thing. If it's a good movie, I'd usually ignore whoever I'm with anyway until the film finishes. If it's a bad movie, it's a great opportunity to study the more abnormal aspects of human behavior. And let's face it, people can be pretty abnormal in movie theaters.

Maybe it's just the fact that you have to spend two hours in a dark crowded room with complete strangers who aren't thinking about what they're doing. Maybe it's just that people do things in a dark public place that they would never do in a lit public place. Whatever it is, the noises, the smells, the gestures and the conversations that emanate from my fellow humans can be more mystifying than what's on the screen.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating loneliness. I'm just saying it doesn't have to be a self-imposed jail sentence. Life is going to go on with or without us. Personally, I'd rather ride along and get as much out of it as I can, with or without someone to ride along with me.

~David Angier is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.