SOUTHERN EXPOSURE: HOLIDAY HALLUCINATIONS AND MYTHS REVISTED

This is the holiday season all right.

Let's see, saw some reindeer the other day. Wasn't even drinking.

They look like a big goat with a cow's face and Frisbees for feet.

I know how much that sounds like a typical substance-induced hallucination but that's really what reindeer look like.

Where this idea of a flying reindeer came from I'll never know. If the myth-makers wanted to have a reasonable representation of a flying deer they should have selected the elk. Standing a little more than 4 feet tall at the shoulder, an average male elk could probably leap over a tall man.

Speaking of myths, does anyone believe that turkeys will drown themselves in a rainstorm by looking up into the rain until the water fills their lungs through their beaks?

Does that mean that the rare desert turkey is the only species in existence because all the others went extinct in climatic zones where rain was frequent? If turkeys actually are that stupid how come you never see a dead turkey on the side of the highway -- unable to avoid a monstrous 18-wheeler from squishing them?

Raccoons, armadillos and dogs must surely be less intelligent than your average turkey when they look at a truck the size of a city block coming their way and don't think to move. I've never seen a dog try to drown himself in a rainstorm -- a toilet bowl maybe.

Even though deer are flattened many times on the roads I don't think it's because they're dumb. They just have terrible timing. I've seen accidents where it wasn't even close. The deer hit the car broadside.

I realize this isn't the right holiday for this question, but where did the Easter Bunny come from? What association does a big pink rabbit have with multi-colored chicken eggs? And why does she -- and I'm assuming a pink bunny rabbit is a she -- hide them?

Mistletoe. That is the one I want to know about. Where did this kissing under the mistletoe come from? What is it about mistletoe that propels people into an embrace?

I looked it up in World Book Encyclopedia which said mistletoe is a parasitic plant that grows primarily on apple trees in the United States. It's berries are poisonous but the Europeans used to use mistletoe as a ceremonial plant -- leading to its use at Christmas.

Personally, I think it's a joke being played on us by the French. They probably get a good chuckle out of the funny Americans hanging a poisonous plant all over their homes on Christmas.

World Book goes on to describe how mythologies tell a lot about a society. According to the encyclopedia, "most of society's myths are really collective representations of the values of that society. These representations determine how the individuals in the society think and act."

In other words, the Easter Bunny, flying reindeer, elves in green tights, poisonous plants that prompt kisses and little fat children shooting people with bows and arrows to symbolize love -- I didn't mention Cupid before, did I? -- are all frightening little glimpses into how we as Americans really are.

That explains why we drink so much on New Year's Eve.

~David Angier is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.