SOUTHERN EXPOSURE: BACHELOR POKES FUN AT MARRIED FRIENDS

I just got done reading Scott Moyers' Tuesday column about communicating with his wife, and while I can't exactly empathize with his situation -- I'm a bachelor and need only to find ways to communicate with potential wives -- I can sympathize with the situation he probably found himself in when he got home Tuesday night.

I'm probably wrong about this but from what I have observed from other couples, wives have little if no sense of humor. In fact, I believe most wives' funny bones just disintegrate to a coarse, grainy powder when they become a source of humor to the 15,000 or so readers who will enjoy their husband's columns.

But then I'm definitely making things worse by pointing this out.

Do I care? No. That is the role of the bachelor friend to a married co-worker -- make his life miserable.

I'm the guy who makes up those wild stories about dates I had last weekend. I'm the one who not only notices the beautiful woman walking by, or entering the newsroom. I'm the one who makes it my mission to go over to Scott's desk and point her out to him.

And much to Scott's credit he is very much like a dog in these situations -- more apt to stare at my pointing finger than the object I'm indicating.

And it's not just Moyers that I pick on. Any of my married friends find themselves targets of my insidious sense of humor.

What is it about marriage that makes a person such a target?

For one thing they're helpless. Men especially are always struggling with their over-active Ids while their Superegos are the sound of fingernails dragging down a chalkboard and their Egos need feeding.

The presence of stunning women can have that very effect on married men -- stunning. They become so crossed with conflicting signals bombarding their already stupefied mind that they do little more than stare and nod their heads. If a witty remark is able to find it's way through the numb recesses of their minds, it is usually delivered well after the woman has gone on her way.

Don't get me wrong, married men are usually very happy with their wives. It's just that they're still as competitive as the rest of the male population and they want to be seen by attractive women as the one that they could have had -- but can't now. They want these gorgeous women to leave their presence shaking their heads and muttering, "Why are all the good ones taken?"

It's right about that time that I make my presence known to these women -- saying in my own shy way, "Here I am, the one that's not taken." Unfortunately, it never works. Women always find what they can't get so much more attractive than that which they could have easily.

I guess that's why I'm so mean to my married friends, because they deserve it.

~David Angier is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.