So, who is growing older?

By Mark Hopkins

Call me a wild and crazy guy -- yes, I stole that line from Steve Martin -- but recently, on a whim, I decided to allow another birthday. I turned 78.

It's not so bad. Physically, the only serious problem I've noticed is that I can no longer read anything printed in letters smaller than Shaquille O'Neal. And, I can't hear anything that arrives at my ear lower than the sound from a near-by lightning strike.

I suppose I should see an eye doctor and, yes, an ear doctor as well. However, I have become more than a bit leery of doctors since they always seem to want to insert a lengthy medical item into your body until the far end of it reaches a different area code.

Anyway, other than being functionally deaf and blind, I remain in superb physical condition for a man of my age who can no longer fit into any of his pants. That, despite a restrictive diet regimen of not eating any sweets before 10 a.m. and exercising rigorously every Thursday between nine and nine thirty in the morning.

Because of my midriff situation I was very pleased to read recently about the new miracle breakthrough weight-loss plan ... for mice. In case you missed it, what happened was, scientists extracted a certain chemical ingredient found in thin mice, then injected it into fat mice. The fat mice lost 10 percent more weight than a control group of fat mice who were exposed only to watching Richard Simmons.

The good news is this same ingredient could produce dramatic weight loss in humans. The bad news: before it becomes available, it must be approved by the Food and Drug Administration. The FDA motto is, "We haven't yet approved our motto." So, it's going to take a while.

But, getting back to the aging thing: Aside from the vision thing, the hearing thing, and the weight thing, and the need to take an afternoon nap almost immediately after I wake up from one, I am in pretty good shape. I have a steel trap for a mind. Of course, very few things in the world, and I include the Home Shopping Network in this statement, are as stupid as a steel trap.

What I'm saying is, though I am sure my mental capabilities are far superior to most, I have definitely detected a decline in some of my mental facilities. For example, I was attempting to fill out an IRS form the other day and I needed to divide 3 into $125.85, and I couldn't remember how to do long division. I knew I was supposed to put the 3 into the 12, then bring something down, but what? And, how far down? And, would I need the "cosine?" I was starting to panic when, all of a sudden, I knew exactly what to do. Ask Steve. Steve is my son, and he has a calculator.

I guess I need to get a calculator, and a magnifying glass, and a hearing aid, and some kind of device that remembers: 1) people's names; 2) where I put the remote control; 3) what I had planned to do once I got into the kitchen during commercials.

So, my memory is going too. Well, I do remember this: When I was young there was no respect for youth. Now that I am old, there is no respect for age. It is sobering to realize that I missed it coming and going.

In truth, age is nothing more than experience, and some of us are more experienced than others. Yes, I am older this week than last, but I look better and feel better, and I'll tell you something else, I never lied better.