Siblings' personalities stump parent

Dear Dr. Dobson: I have two children who are as different as night and day. One is a spitfire and the other is a sweetheart. I am interested in knowing more about what this means for them long-term. Beyond everyday issues of relating within a family, what can you tell me about these children?

Dear Reader: More than 35,000 parents participated in a study I conducted to answer those questions. It is described in detail in my book "Parenting Isn't for Cowards," but let me boil down 11 of the most important findings. Remember these conclusions represent common traits and characteristics that may or may not apply to your two children. These findings represent what typically happens with strong-willed children (SWC) and compliant children (CC) as the years unfold.

• No. 1: There are nearly three times as many SWCs as CCs. Nearly every family with multiple children has at least one SWC.
• No. 2: Male SWCs outnumber females by about 5 percent, and female CCs outnumber males by about 6 percent. Thus, there is a slight tendency for males to have tougher temperaments and females to be more compliant, but it is often reversed.
• No. 3: Birth order has nothing to do with being strong-willed or compliant. These elements of temperament are basically inherited, and can occur in the eldest child or the baby.
• No. 4: Most parents know they have a SWC early. One-third can tell it at birth. Two-thirds know by the first birthday, and 92 percent are certain by the third birthday. Parents of compliant children know it even earlier.
• No. 5: The temperaments of children tend to reflect those of their parents. Though there are exceptions, two strong-willed parents are more likely to produce tough-minded children and vice versa.
• No. 6: One of the most interesting findings is related to what parents can expect from SWCs in the teen years: a battle! Seventy-four percent of SWCs rebel significantly during adolescence.
• No. 7: Only 3 percent of CCs experience severe rebellion in adolescence, and just 14 percent go into even mild rebellion.
• No. 8: The best news for parents of SWCs is the rapid decrease in their rebellion in young adulthood. It drops almost immediately in the early 20s, and then trails off from there. Some SWCs are still angry into their 20s and early 30s, but the fire is gone for the majority.
• No. 9: The CC is more likely to be a good student than the SWC. Nearly three times as many SWCs made D's and F's during the last two years of high school as do CCs. About 80 percent of CCs were A and B students.
• No. 10: The CC is considerably better adjusted socially than the SWC. It would appear the youngster who is inclined to challenge the authority of his parents is also more likely to behave offensively with his peers.
• No. 11: The CC typically enjoys higher self-esteem than the SWC. It is difficult to overestimate the importance of this finding. Only 19 percent of compliant teenagers either disliked themselves (17 percent) or felt extreme self-hatred (2 percent). Of the strong-willed teenagers, 35 percent disliked themselves, and 8 percent felt extreme self-hatred.

Those were the primary findings from our study. It yielded a picture of the compliant child as being someone more at peace with himself or herself, as well with parents, teachers and peers.

The strong-willed child seems compelled to fight, question and resist. Why is he or she like that? It is difficult to say, except to affirm that this child is more unsettled in every aspect of life. We do know that lower self-esteem is related to the excessive peer dependency, academic difficulties and even the rebellion we have seen. Acceptance of one's intrinsic worth is the core of the personality. When it is unsteady, everything else is affected.

Send your questions to Dr. James Dobson, c/o Focus on the Family, P.O. Box 444, Colorado Springs, Colo. 80903. Dobson is the chairman of the board for Focus on the Family.