RIVER CITY JOURNAL: YOU CAN JOKE ABOUT US OLD PEOPLE, BUT WE'LL STILL VOTE

Making jokes about the presidential election isn't going to take any kinks out of the voting knots.

But it sure is fun.

And humor is a great way to let off steam without doing a whole lot of damage.

For example, I liked the Speak Out call that wondered why elderly voters in Florida got so confused. These are the same folks, after all, who can juggle a heap of bingo cards all at the same time.

I think I know the answer. I'm starting to understand old folks a little more every day as my wrinkles deepen and my skin adds new folds in the oddest places.

You see, just about everything we humans do all the time is easy because, well, because we do it all the time.

Think about it.

Every morning I get up, go for a walk, eat breakfast and get ready for work. Sometimes I even do that on days I don't have to go to work. But that's another story. I do the same things in the same order at the same time every day.

If I had to tell someone every detail of my early morning activities, I'd leave something out, or put it in the wrong order, or mention it twice.

Maybe three times.

If I'm running on habit, I don't have to think.

That's how it is when you have 15 bingo cards spread out on the table in front of you. If you have that many, you're no bingo novice.

It's second nature.

But look at voting.

How often do you get to vote for a president? Every four years.

There's the problem right there.

We ought to be voting on something every week or so.

Maybe on bingo night we could vote on next month's menus at the Senior Center. Things like that.

That way we would be sharp on Election Day. Voting would be old hat. With a little practice, punching holes in ballots would be as easy as falling down and breaking a hip.

Here's another example:

Most of us can feed ourselves. We can't even remember when we learned how to use a fork. But the whole process of putting food on a fork and steering the load of food into our mouths is something we do without a second thought.

But try to eat the same meal with chopsticks.

Now you have an idea of how flustered those old voters in Florida must have been.

Just think. More than a billion Chinese from toddlers on up use chopsticks every day and manage quite well. I don't think the Chinese are any smarter than we are. Really, I don't.

As you can tell, I'm on the side of old voters everywhere.

What we need is to make sure our elections are fair and accurate.

Look at what former President Jimmy Carter has done for honest voting around the world. As an official observer, Carter has ensured fair elections in places I never studied in geography.

Seems to me one possible way to get out of the quagmire in Florida would be a little reciprocity.

What Florida needs is some official election observation by folks from someplace far, far away.

I hear Slobodan Milosevic isn't too terribly busy right now.

And what about that fellow we pummeled in the desert a few years ago? Saddam something-or-other?

I'll bet those two could take care of just about any U.S. voting irregularity that comes along.

Or else.

All joking aside, folks, what we are experiencing right now is nothing compared to some other presidential farces this nation has endured. Like many other Americans, I have been looking for more and more information about the Electoral College and close presidential votes. What I and all the rest of you have learned is astounding. And a little bit frightening. This tug-of-war in Florida is a mere child's game when you see how they carried on some of those other times.

And was our nationhood scarred by those shenanigans?

This is the good news. Most of us didn't even know we ever had problems like that.

We survived then. We'll survive this too.

Trust me on this.

I'll bet I could do 16 or 17 bingo cards at the same time. If I wanted to.