RIVER CITY JOURNAL: WHY WERE THE PITS LEFT IN LIFE'S BOWL OF CHERRIES?

Hello. My name is Joe, and I'm ... .

"That's OK. It's hard for everyone the first time."

Yeah. Well, like I said, my name is Joe, and I'm ... uh ... ."

"Look. Everyone here at Age Advantaged is in the same boat. You can talk to us."

OK. My name is Joe, and I'm old.

"There. Don't you feel better letting it out?"

To tell you the truth, no. But there's no getting around birthdays, is there? And this is the big one. The big five-oh. Half a century. You want to know a funny thing? I'm exactly twice as old as my older son. That won't ever happen again, will it?

"No. But you want to know something else funny? You're not the first guy to hit 50. Look around. We all did it. Just look at us."

No offense, but you all look like you've seen better days.

"So what do you want? To be young again?"

Actually, all my life I've wanted to be older. I wanted to be 16 so I could drive. I wanted to 21 so I could vote. -- then they lowered the age. I wanted to be too old for acne, but that took an awful long time. I wanted to be old enough to hold jobs with lots of responsibility.

"Is that how you got the gray hair?"

I think that's genes. At least I have hair.

"See. Something to be thankful for. So now that you're 50, you suddenly want to be young again? Is that it?"

I don't think so. Being age advantaged isn't the problem. It's just that 50 sounds -- well, you know, old.

"You understand, don't you, that there are millions of folks who would give anything to be 50 again."

What I understand is that in another year I'll never be 50 again.

"So what are you doing to celebrate your entry into AARP eligibility?"

I've been building up to the Big Day for several weeks now. I set a goal of losing 50 pounds, one for every year, and I've done that. And I found two volumes of music containing all of Beethoven's piano sonatas, and I've played through all 32 of them. I think there are 32.

"That's quite an accomplishment."

Yeah, but the sonatas are driving my wife nuts. I'm actually on my third go-round of playing them straight through, one or two every night. Mrs. Handford taught me to read music pretty well, but she didn't make a pianist out of me. The cat stays in the room though, probably because she thinks she ought to keep an eye on anything that makes that much noise.

"So what are your worries about growing older? Do you think about dying?"

It's not death I'm worried about. It's living too long.

"What do you mean?"

We live in an age of medical miracles and miracle medicines. In this country we've pushed the life expectancy to new heights. People are living a lot longer, no doubt about that. But many of the medical advances seem to concentrate on vital signs and not vitality. There are so many old people who are suffering. There are homes full of people waiting to die. They don't seem to be living full and happy golden years. That's what I worry about.

"Millions of people who are living longer are also living rich and enjoyable lives. Don't you think you will be one of them?"

Do you get to choose?

"Well, we're here to give you support. Look, you have your health. You have your hair. You've lost your gut -- most of it, anyway. How's your hearing?"

It depends on whom you ask. My younger son says I'm a Beltone poster child. He thinks I didn't hear him say it. I'm really more concerned about my memory. It seems like I forget little things way too much.

"All part of the aging process. We here at Age Advantaged can help you through the rough spots, but we can't stop Father Time. We want to see that you make the most of your senior citizenship. You want that too, don't you, Joe?"

"Joe?"

"Joe?"

What was the question?

~R. Joe Sullivan is the editor of the Southeast Missourian.