RIVER CITY JOURNAL: WHEN BIG GUY CALLS, YOU HAVE TO STAY CALM, PLAY ALL YOUR CARDS

It was Mr. Golf on the the line, and he wanted a good reason to visit Cape Girardeau. So I gave him one. Or two.

Arnold Palmer called this week.

At least the fellow on the phone said he was Arnold Palmer. I naturally assumed it was Arnold Palmer.

The Arnold Palmer.

That's the Arnold Palmer who is a golf legend, whose mastery of the slippery skills of the links still invokes hushed praise usually reserved for saints.

I say "slippery skills," because the art of golf is in no way precise. Pros who have developed a groove can hit the same stroke again and again, but in a match with half a million dollars at stake they can hit the ball just like I do. It's not pretty. As I've said before, the only difference between a golf pro and me is half a million dollars. They have it. I don't.

So when Arnie is on the line, I am respectful and courteous, just like I would be if I picked up the phone and it was St. Ambrose or St. Joan d'Arc. It pays to be nice to some people.

I was somewhat surprised to learn that Arnie knew about plans for a downtown golf course in Cape Girardeau. As a matter of fact, he was calling to get a tee time for next month. He said he had never thought about traveling to Cape Girardeau until he heard about the downtown golf course. And he was excited about playing here, having heard all the details of the course and its signature hole, No. 14, with the green on a passing barge in the MIssissippi River.

It was my sad duty to inform Mr. Golf that the downtown golf course hasn't been built. As a matter of fact, I told him, the whole project has been abandoned because the City of Roses has bigger and better things on the drawing board.

Of course, Palmer was disappointed. He said he guessed he could play Pebble Beach.

Again.

It was pretty clear that golfers like Arnold Palmer need new challenges, and the downtown golf course would have been exactly the sort of challenge to make the juices flow. I felt really bad about having to disappoint Palmer. That's kind of like telling Joan d'Arc that she should have seen a therapist instead of picking fights all the time.

But Palmer didn't dwell on his disappointment. Nosiree. He picked up right away on the notion that there might be bigger and better things to do in Cape Girardeau than play golf."Tell me about some of those bigger and better things on the drawing board," he said.

So, like a good booster, I tried to explain why Cape Girardeau is a good place to visit even if you've never been to Paris or Branson.

I asked Arnie if he had heard about our new waterfall. He said no.

I tried to explain it to him, but, even though we were talking on the telephone, I could sense his eyes were glazing over. Clearly, Palmer isn't keen on outdoor art."What about lakes?" he asked. "You got any good lakes?"There comes a point in each individual's desire to be a good ambassador for the old hometown when you must make choices. Tough choices. In this case, I could have said we don't have any lakes, at which point I assume Palmer would have yawned and mentioned something about an important meeting with his hedge trimmer, which would be a clear signal that Mr. Golf was no longer interested in Cape Girardeau, and I didn't want that to happen. So you see how easy it is to slide into tourism overdrive, which is how I came to tell Arnie about the plans for the new lake.

We have big plans for a lake, I said. It just popped right out."Really?" Palmer said. I could tell he was on the edge of his seat.

Yes, I said, there has been a lot of talk about a lake for a number of years. The plan is to put it somewhere on the Cape Girardeau-Bollinger county line, I said, not particularly wanting to mention the fact that there's no real source of water for a lake in that area."On the county line?" Palmer said. "I'm looking at a map, and I don't see and real source of water for a lake in that area."Naturally, I had to scramble. Thank goodness I kept my wits.

Yes, I said, there is no water. But, I said, you probably don't know about the talks we've been having with the Corps of Engineers to rectify that situation."The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers?"That's the one, I said. See, we think we can kill two birds with one stone. We've got this big river that goes right past where the downtown golf course was going to be."Yeah, I see it on the map," Palmer said.

Well, the Corps of Engineers can divert that river over to Bollinger County, which doesn't have a really big river, which means it has no floodwall, but which also means it doesn't have enough water for a decent lake. But by moving the river over just one county, we get a lake and we get to tear down the floodwall in Cape Girardeau so we'll have an unobstructed view of Illinois."Wow!" Palmer said. I could tell he was impressed with the vision of folks in Cape Girardeau. "I've got to see this."Well, come on, I said. We'll give you the tour and show you everything. And I meant it too.

Palmer said he would check his schedule and get back to me on this. Soon. I can hardly wait.

I'm not kidding. I really think it was Palmer on the phone.

R. Joe Sullivan is the editor of the Southeast Missourian.