RIVER CITY JOURNAL: THIS NEWS IS SO WONDERFUL YOU BETTER READ THIS SITTING DOWN

The year is barely two weeks old, and already we have what is surely going to be the top news story of the new millennium.

Are you ready for some great news?

Well, you better sit down and hold on to something, because this is dynamite.

Are you sitting down?

Here it is:

It looks like the downtown golf course is going to be built after all.

And this is going to be some posh golf course. It's going to be a lot grander than anything I ever imagined.

See. That's what happens when good people get hold of a good idea. The next thing you know, you're talking championship course. Nicklaus. Crenshaw.

I'm not kidding.

So. About now you're saying to yourself, Hey, Joe, I thought you gave up on the downtown golf course. That's what you told everybody. That's what you wrote in a whole bunch of columns.

True. I said the downtown golf course was kaput. But I'm reminded of when you were a kid and you bugged your parents about what was under the Christmas tree. You whined and cajoled and sweet talked till you were blue in the face. Remember? You asked, Is there a Daisy Red Ryder BB gun in that big long package? And your mother said, Oh, no, honey. We couldn't find a single BB gun to buy. Your father said, You don't need a BB gun. All you'd do with it is shoot the cat and kill some robins. And then on Christmas morning you waded into the pile of presents and tore open that big long package, throwing bows and ribbon and wrapping paper every which direction until you saw what you were afraid to hope for even though you had been praying, hard and earnestly, every night for a month that there would be one BB gun left somewhere in the world for your parents to buy. And, by golly, there was, because the Daisy Red Ryder BB gun you wanted so bad was right there in your hands, and you started aiming it all over the living room while your parents ducked behind the couch and the cat high-tailed it to the bedroom.

Remember?

If your parents had told you the day after Thanksgiving you were getting a Daisy Red Ryder BB gun for Christmas, how would you have felt on Christmas morning?

No, your parents did what any good parents would do to make Christmas extra-special.

They lied.

Naturally, I did what I thought was best for all of you who have been such loyal supporters of my grand plan for a downtown golf course.

As you read in the paper this week, I've managed to recruit some folks to get the downtown golf course going. People with money. That's what it takes. Goodness knows the golf course wasn't going to get built on my savings. It was either going to take government grants or somebody with money, and thank goodness we can keep government's mitts off the golf course.

Maybe you're wondering how a golf course way out past the edge of town that's where the money says it ought to go has anything to do with the downtown golf course.

See. I thought you might ask about that. That's just the way you were that Christmas you said you wanted a Schwinn bicycle and your parents said, OK, we'll get you a bicycle but you'll have to get a paper route and run errands for your mother and ride your bike to school every day and to Sunday school too. And you said, Mom, Dad, I'd do anything for a bicycle. And sure enough on Christmas there was a new Schwinn bicycle with lots of chrome and a horn on the handlebars and everything. That was the Christmas your parents told you the bicycle was yours and your brother's. You would have to share.

Remember?

Your parents did the best they could under the circumstances. That was the year your dad broke his leg and lost his job and your mother took in ironing and cleaned houses three days a week even though her asthma was acting up real bad. You were a little upset about having to share your new bike, but then you realized what everyone realizes sometime during his life: Half a bike is better than none.

Not that this amazing new golf course is going to be half of anything. Nosiree. It's going to be one grand golf course with condos and villas and maybe even a lake big enough for paddle boats.

And, yes, it will be the downtown golf course. This is how it works:

The city is planning to annex a chunk of property way out on Route K. To get to the annexed property, which is quite a ways from town, the city limits will go down the middle of the highway. It's all legal and everything. There's a law on the books that let's you do this. I've seen it.

So we'll just ask the Downtown Merchants Neighborhood Historical Golf Association Levee District to annex the new golf course into downtown. Actually, I don't know if there's a law that lets them do that. So let's call it an adoption.

Bingo!

There you have it. A first-class downtown golf course outside the city.

I've been thinking about a good name for the new downtown golf course, now that it's about to become a reality. Something like "Oceanview Hills" sticks in my mind.

Oh. You want to know how you can have an ocean view in the City of Roses.

Hey. I think I've pretty well proven that just about anything is possible if you set your mind to it.

~R. Joe Sullivan is the editor of the Southeast Missourian.