RIVER CITY JOURNAL: STEP 1: PULL DOWN VISOR. STEP 2: DRIVE SLOWLY. STEP 3:...

Last week at the chamber's First Friday Coffee, Hizzoner the mayor (and lord admiral of Girardot's Navy) and I exchanged a few words about that morning's column regarding the magnificent and glorious roundabout.

As I've told you before, anything the mayor wants I'm in favor of. That's how I became such a big booster of hot tub-sized traffic circles.

The mayor had somehow reached the conclusion that I was poking fun at the roundabout.

Au contraire, as Ensign Girardot himself used to say.

Standing close enough to hear our brief but polite exchange was our superintendent of schools, Dan Steska, who remarked that he didn't realize the roundabout had caused such a stir.

Once again I relied on two of the nine French words I know: Au contraire. (I don't think adios counts, does it?)

I hastened to assure the superintendent that there was no stink over the roundabout except, perhaps, for a couple of poorly aimed barbs some readers might have misconstrued in last week's column.

But, I said, that's their problem. No matter how hard I try to be a loyal supporter of Hizzoner, I still get confused with critics and whiners.

This is the life of a columnist.

Then there was that story in Tuesday's paper: "Ire swirls over roundabout."

Sure enough, when I drove through the roundabout later that morning (I drive dozens of blocks out of my way going to and from work just for the privilege of driving in circles), there was a whole heap of ire swirling over the roundabout.

Folks, swirling ire is not a pretty sight.

So I guess Superintendent Steska's antenna were a mite more sensitive than I thought.

The big kicker, of course, came Wednesday when the city sent out an official press release -- with official letterhead and official motto and everything -- with instructions for driving through the city's newest intersection.

Kind and gentle readers, I am not making this up.

The press release said, among other things, to drive slowly and "in a circular motion."

Big Mike, the city manager, is quoted in the press release as saying motorists "might be somewhat apprehensive" about the roundabout. No kidding.

I have a couple of ideas for the city:

First, the news media in this town can't be trusted with important information like this. The city needs to stuff this press release in with the monthly utility bills.

Second, every motorist in the River City of Roses needs to tape this press release to the sun visor over the steering wheel. I personally recommend duct tape for this. Upon approaching the roundabout, flip the visor down and start reading.

I think if everyone cooperates, we can avoid nasty mishaps and make our new roundabout a true traffic merry-go-round.

How-to instructions ... .

Those city folks are on top of everything.

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I received my favorite hometown weekly newspaper in the mail yesterday. There was a feature story in it, complete with two photographs, about some elementary students who had the educational opportunity to see, pet and feed real-live chickens.

My, how times have changed.

When I was in elementary school, everyone I knew had chickens of their own. We ate the eggs every morning and the chickens on Sundays.

The same day I got my weekly paper, I got a call from a Perry County farmer who made excellent suggestions for news coverage regarding agribusiness. I had to tell him that we don't have any farm experts on our staff. Heck, our young generation of elementary students don't even know what chickens look like.

I'll bet they'd go nuts over a potato plant. Of course, they'd be more likely to recognize the french-fried variety.

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Finally, I have to get this off my chest.

For weeks now we've been reading and hearing about Bill Clinton's pardon of Marc Rich.

And for weeks I've been waiting for someone to wake up and smell the divorce papers.

Everyone is making a big deal about how Denise Rich schmoozed Clinton and raised gobs of money in order to get a pardon for her ex-husband.

Hello!

Since when do divorced husbands and wives go to such lengths to help each other?

I'll bet even those chicken-deprived students in my hometown are smart enough to detect the rotten smell on this one.

Almost any 8-year-old, upon being told the pardon story the way serious journalists have been telling it for so long, would either be laughing his head off or holding his nose.

Or both.

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By the way, the official motto on the city's official letterhead stationery is "Home of Missouri's State Flag."

Zippy, huh?