RIVER CITY JOURNAL: SPEND A LITTLE, SPEND A LOT: ON OLD CAR, HOW CAN YOU TELL?

Once you decide to keep a car with 100,000 miles on the odometer, repair expenses have a way of multiplying.

The old brown car and I came to a meeting of the minds recently. My old car is 10 years old, has about 100,000 miles on the odometer and about 50,000 miles on the duct tape that holds the car together.

The question arises now and then: Should I keep the car with all its warts, or should I invest in something snazzier with monthly payments?

Up till now, I've held out for buying more duct tape instead of writing checks on the installment plan. You probably already know that you can buy a heck of a lot of duct tape for just one monthly car payment.

The issue came up again when the Department of Revenue sent me its annual renewal notice for the license plates. This involves an inspection of the vehicle, of course. Generally speaking, the old brown car does pretty well at its annual physicals. One year I had to replace the muffler, but that's about it.

This year, I had an idea the inspection might not go so well. After all, that doggone brake light has been flashing -- how long now? -- well, several weeks, at least.

And while the old brown car always starts, it sometimes takes two or three tries.

Then there's the peeling paint -- clearcoat, the body shop boys tell me -- that gives the top of the old brown car the appearance of a snake shedding its skin. If you are like me, there isn't anything pretty about a snake, and one losing its skin is downright disgusting.

Sure enough, my reliable mechanic had some bad news at this year's inspections: New brakes all around, at a minimum. And new U-joints in the rear (it's an all-wheel drive old brown car).

So I had to make a decision.

Inside my garage, which is full of shadows, the old brown car doesn't look too bad, as long as you don't focus on the paint or the duct-taped rear bumper of the cross-eyed headlights attached with wire coat hangers or the fact that brown, in general terms, is not the most attractive automotive color.

So I propped myself against the workbench in the garage and said, "What do you think, old brown car? Are you up to another 100,000 miles?"

The old brown car sighed and eyed the checkbook sticking out of my rear pocket. "Is this going to cost a lot of money?"

I nodded slowly.

"About a thousand dollars."

The old brown car winced. At least I think it was a wince. In any event, one of the headlights cocked to one side.

"And," I said, "that doesn't include any paint."

The old brown car was still for a moment.

"How much for paint?"

I tried to think of a way to say it gently. "I guess it depends on whether you want to look like Bette Davis on a good day or a bad day."

"Is there a difference?" the old brown car asked with just a slight edge in the words.

At that point, I started feeling sorry for the old brown car. Bad enough to be at that junction where one road leads to more short trips to work and the golf course and where the other road leads to Mr. Crusher at the local junk yard.

"Tell you what," I said. "I'll spend the money on the needed repairs, provided we don't go over $1,000."

"That sounds fair to me," the old brown car said with relief.

So I told the friendly mechanic to do his stuff. The inevitable phone call came during the afternoon.

"Say, Joe, we really need to replace the control arms."

Control arms? My old brown car has control arms?

"How much," I asked, holding my breath.

"Close to $400, what with labor, parts and alignment," said the friendly mechanic. "But you'll save wear and tear on your tires."

I nodded. The friendly mechanic couldn't hear me nod on the telephone. I think he understood though.

The old brown car with new brakes, U-joints, control arms, alignment and spark plugs (I threw those in for good measure), were left at my wife's disposal while I took her newer car to St. Louis last Saturday. When I got home, the old brown car wasn't in the garage, but my wife was in the house.

"Where's the old brown car?" I asked.

"In the parking lot at my office. It won't start."

Yep. New starter. Another $180.

Am I over the $1,000 limit? Look, if you promise not to tell the old brown car, I'll add it up.

Yes. More than $1,000. And no paint job.

Thank goodness for brown duct tape. You can put it anywhere on an old brown car and not even notice it.

I just keep remembering a very important fact: It's still less than a couple of monthly car payments.

I'll leave it to you to decide whether that's good news or bad.

~R. Joe Sullivan is the editor of the Southeast Missourian.