RIVER CITY JOURNAL: SONS: HERE'S THE ADVICE YOU DIDN'T WANT

As the father of two sons of marrying age, it is your duty to offer paternal advice on the topic of matrimony. This advice is in no way sought, appreciated or followed by the aforementioned sons, but it doesn't hurt to try.

Dear sons:

Even though you show no spark whatsoever regarding marriage and have even proclaimed your bachelorhood on many occasions, it doesn't stop your old Pop from giving what he believes to be sound and timely advice. Whether or not you take this advice is, as always, your choice. You have adequately demonstrated your ability to sift through -- and reject, for the most part -- sage words of the fatherly persuasion. But a father's duty to speak up is the bane of sons everywhere. Why should you be any different?

You may be thinking about a long-term arrangement with some sweet lass. Of course, you haven't shared this with your parents, who didn't even know when you went to Africa or made a cross-country solo flight over western Kansas.

Your parents really don't want to interfere in your choices of life mates. Your happiness is the only concern. You know that. Right?

But if you have your eyes on anyone in particular, make sure she is pretty. Not that beauty comes first, of course. But you don't want your parents telling their friends how smart she is or that she makes her own clothes. And while she doesn't need to be a seamstress, make sure she can cook. If, by some coincidence, she specializes in fudge or something like that, it would be a plus.

Make sure she has a sense of humor. Without it, life can get pretty dull. With it, almost any of life's obstacles can be overcome. Well, all of them except maintaining one checkbook and a joint account. There are some things that defy the humor-conquers-all rule.

As a woman, the girl of your heart will likely come equipped with a knack for shopping, especially for clothes. That sure would be nice for your mother, who lives with an old grump capable of alienating almost any department-store sales clerk. It would be such a joy for your mother to have a willing, like-minded compatriot when she ventured to the mall instead of a galumphing, grim-faced old fogy. Sort of puts a damper on spending money, if you get the drift.

Now about having children. This is a very serious matter. Your parents don't want to meddle, of course, and this is a decision that has to be entirely up to the two of you. Just make sure your first baby is a girl. Your mother has always wanted to buy frilly things and clothes in more colors than denim, and the sky is the limit if you are buying for a girl who also happens to be a granddaughter -- not that your mother is anywhere near old enough to be a grandmother, but it goes with the territory.

As for your father, he was always scared silly he would have a daughter of his own and he wouldn't have the foggiest notion about raising her, much less allowing her to date boys, about which he has some firsthand experience. But a granddaughter is another matter. Grandfathers can always refer ticklish girl problems to a suitable authority, like a grandmother or young parents.

That's about it. Well, except for the parents of the girl of your dreams. Do your parents know them? And if they don't, do the future in-laws at least have a vacation place at a lake?

Please keep your parents informed on these matters, not because they are buttinskies, but if they aren't going to have any grandchildren for a while they are thinking about another cat.

Love, Pop.

~R. Joe Sullivan is the editor of the Southeast Missourian.