RIVER CITY JOURNAL: REFORMERS OF OLD RELIED HEAVILY ON SANSKRIT

Where in the history of languages is it writ that Welsh was handed down from Dehli? Sometimes what appears to be fact is little more than a figment of someone's imagination.

Anyone who watches "Jeopardy," the popular television show of answers and questions, knows how it sometimes imparts small bits of trivial information. For the most part these nuggets are pretty much useless, except for making the brain work a mite harder.

Many brains went into overdrive this week as viewers learned that Welsh, the language spoken by folks in Wales, is a derivative of Sanskrit.

Say what? Sanskrit in most minds is associated with India, which is a long way from Wales. Besides, Welsh is an old language, which means when those Sanskritians were setting up a version of their language in Wales, it was pretty tough to get an airline reservation.

All of which prompted the following musings based on a rummage through the old brain's attic:

(ITAL)Old government document from ancient India:

By order of the Outstanding Languages Act, the Department of Sanskrit as the Official Language is hereby commissioned to reform the language of Wales, a remote outpost on the far side of England. Reformers are licensed to draw travel funds from the government treasury for the purposes of a long overland trek to the shores of the Mediterranean Sea, whereupon a boat will be chartered for the voyage to Wales. Be advised: Purchase round-trip fares in order to save substantial sums of public money, as is the custom of all Sanskrit-speaking peoples.

(ITAL)Letter from a member of the Sanskrit Reform Team in Wales, to his wife:

My dear Wybbddeffykkollwygga (which is how you say Lola in Welsh): Teaching these rascals to speak any version of Sanskrit is turning out to be much more difficult than anyone anticipated. It seems like the only change these people understand must be imposed by force. Therefore, we have, by military action, swayed the People's Assembly of Wales to adopt an Outstanding Language Act. Ordinarily these matters, by centuries-old custom in Wales, would be subject to a vote of the people. But there just isn't time to bring these hard-headed Welshmen, who spend most of their time singing in harmony, into line. As a penalty for their recalcitrance, we have decided to not only make them speak a form of Sanskrit, as ordered by our noble council at home, but also to introduce an alphabet that is virtually incomprehensible. The effect will be that they will learn to speak the new Welsh language, but they will have a devil of a time learning to read and write. This will be to our benefit, of course, because there is nothing easier to control than someone who is illiterate but goes through life thinking he is educated enough to speak Sanskrit. All my love, Llobbddykobbleggookky (which is how you say Bartholomew in Welsh).

(ITAL)A note from a Welsh high-school girl to her very best friend ever in the world:

Gosh, can you believe this new language we are having to learn? I thought I would die when I found out there was going to be a test on it. I mean, who cares if we know how to read and write in Sanskrit? Golly, I thought the old language was just fine. Although I hate the new Welsh (are you taking Spanish too?), I just LOVE that Sanskrit fellow who is teaching the course this semester. He is so cute. Have you ever seen such dreamy eyes? Wouldn't you just DIE to have a madras shirt like his?

(ITAL)Memo from a "Jeopardy" producer to Alex Trebec:

One of the clues in today's program implies that Welsh is a derivative of Sanskrit. There is no way of knowing if this is true, of course, but it is the kind of trivial claptrap that will capture the attention of viewers. Please do NOT make any erudite comments that might leave viewers questioning the authenticity of the clues we use. Leave them thinking Welsh and Sanskrit have something in common. It may be the best clue we come up with all year.

~R. Joe Sullivan is the editor of the Southeast Missourian.