RIVER CITY JOURNAL: NOW HEAR THIS: ALL HANDS PLEASE REPORT ANYTHING YOU CAN

There is so much attention focused on the U.S. Navy right now, thanks to that awful sub collision with a Japanese fishing boat.

All those news stories -- each one providing new and sometimes shocking information -- made me wonder about our own navy right here in the River City of Roses, Murals and Broadway Obstacle Course.

You do remember our navy, don't you?

Well, maybe not.

After all, we don't get regular updates on our navy. Folks at the Pentagon are required to go in front of congressional committees all the time and tell on themselves. Our city charter has no such provision for our navy. So unless I happen to make a big deal about it, you wouldn't know anything about our navy.

Here's the long and short of it:

There's not much to report.

But I thought I would bring you up to date as best as I can.

David Ross, head impresario at the Show Me Center, is thinking about recruiting some new blood for the rank-and-file of our municipal navy. Maybe some of the strapping men and women coming for the big wrestling contest? I don't think any of our city's enemies would mess with them, on land or at sea.

Well, actually, our navy doesn't go to sea. It would go to the river. If it had a boat.

So Ross had one of his lieutenant impresarios call to get more information on our navy: rules and regulations, qualifications, length of service, ports of call, pay rates -- the normal things you would ask if you wanted to enlist.

Naturally, I wanted to help any way I could, particularly if a little bit of good information might swell the ranks of our naval defenders.

First, let me confess that I don't have any good information about our navy.

But I'm not alone.

Neither does anyone else.

I directed the Show Me Center folks to City Hall, where Ensign Girardot's Navy is officially docked. The navy, named for Ensign Jean B. Girardot who founded the first settlement here in 1773, is an honorary institution. For years, mayors of our fair city have designated visiting dignitaries as captains in our navy. This, it turns out, is cheaper than giving away keys to the city since we don't have to buy all those locks.

But no one at City Hall knows who has been advanced to the rank of captain or how many there are.

Even Hizzoner the Lord Mayor, who must be at least an admiral by now, doesn't have a clue.

Folks, does this sound like we're prepared to battle riverbound invaders?

Fortunately, our navy hasn't had much call for active duty. The last time there was any real reason to be worried was during Time magazine's float trip down the river last year on the U.S.S. Gimmick.

You might recall that.

I issued a general alarm and urged Admiral Al to get ready for battle. But the Time navy turned out to be a pretty tame bunch of landlubbers whose main activity was to dine in rather sumptuous elegance every evening on food that hadn't even been fried.

Trying to help out the Show Me folks, I did an exhaustive search of records and learned there hasn't been a single report of a sub crashing into any fishing boats on the Mississippi River in the last quarter-century.

So our navy must be doing something right.

When I'm searching for information and all else fails, I turn to the Southeast Missourian's librarian, Sharon Sanders, who is in charge of one of the most impressive vaults of historical data in our town: the newspaper library.

I asked Sharon to see if she could find any information that would illuminate David Ross or me. And City Hall.

Nope. No luck.

So ... .

I'm hoping someone out there -- former lord mayors, leftover captains in Ensign Girardot's Navy, people who clip stuff from newspapers and save it forever, anyone -- will have some light to shed on the only military force of any consequence we've had since General Grant saved our town and turned his headquarters into a barbecue joint, thereby ensuring lasting fame as the King of Sauce.

Oh. That was the other kind of sauce, wasn't it.

OK. If you know anything about our navy, spill it. This is no time for military secrets.

You never know when the next invasion will head our way.

Non sibi sed patriae.

I'm not certain that's pertinent, but a little Latin always dresses up a column.

Don't you think?