RIVER CITY JOURNAL: LIKE ALL BIG DEALS, DOWNTOWN GOLF COURSE HAS CASH CRISIS

A big grant -- real people call it cash, moolah, bread -- is on its way to our Harvard on the Cape, otherwise known hereabouts as The University, to pay for walking trails and bike paths at the proposed River Campus.

And another big grant -- bucks, greenbacks, dough -- has been awarded to the River City of Roses big shots, otherwise known as City Hall, for pretty much the same purpose, which is, to sum up, the creation of a system of walkways to show off the fairly good-sized river that flows past us somewhere outside our concrete fortifications.

Meanwhile, landscaping plans for the World Famous Downtown Golf Course and All-You-Can-Eat Catfish Buffet are in the wet-ink stage.

As you can clearly see, there are three projects in the works that all pretty much seek to achieve the same end.

What this means, of course, is we need a committee.

I have rigorously avoided the committee approach in developing the Downtown Golf Course, which may explain why, after years of self-promotion and sound planning, the greens are still little more than a gleam in the eyes of those who comprehend the full potential for our fair city.

On the other hand, I serve on committees all the time that have been meeting for a lot longer than I've been chatting up the golf course, and those projects-by-group-dynamics have mostly been reduced from gleams to mere glimmers.

So you can see my thinking that the golf course-riverside trails concept needs a committee is a suggestion that isn't being made lightly.

In fact, some of you may have already leapfrogged to the conclusion that the very suggestion of dumping the golf course into the hands of a committee is the moral equivalent of sowing wheat in the desert.

Never fear, kind and gentle readers. I won't let the golf course go up in arid flames.

No, my intention would be to let this as-yet-unnamed committee get its paws only on the cart paths of the amazing and spectacular Downtown Golf Course.

Sure, some committees might think they could use cart paths to get control of the whole 6,321 yards of fairways. But they would be wrong.

So why pick a panel to pursue the paths?

Two reasons, really.

One is the fact that any riverside pathways will no doubt encroach on real estate crucial to the first-class development of the Downtown Golf Course. I don't think we want bikers and joggers zigzagging their way through the flight path of well-struck golf balls. I think everyone understands the liability issues. Golfers don't need any unnecessary distractions to ruin a good round. They're pretty good at mucking up a backswing entirely on their own.

Besides, if they want distractions, golfers already have geese.

No, the flow of an urban golf course couldn't possibly stand the pressure of tykes on scooters and joggers with aching joints popping up every time you get ready to hit a tee shot.

The other reason the committee approach is even being considered is far more basic: money.

You see, so far the World Famous Downtown Golf Course and All-You-Can-Eat Catfish Buffet hasn't been awarded a dime in grants, handouts, appropriations, contributions, gifts, annuities, legacies, bribes or funding of any kind whatsoever.

But I think future golfers are absolutely entitled to share some of the pork headed to The University and City Hall. After all, those are our tax dollars at work.

And, as everyone knows by now, golfers pay most of the taxes in this great land of ours. Look it up. I think the Bush administration even has a white paper on the topic somewhere.

Bottom line: I am formally requesting that the honchos at The University and City Hall -- most of them are big-time golfers anyway -- to name their representatives to this committee, which, as you can tell, is really, really important.

(By the way, that part about these folks being big-time golfers? Most of them spend a lot of time on the golf course, but, with rare exception, I don't know if you can truly say what they do is golf. I called them big-time golfers just to make them feel good. Any time you're setting up a really, really important committee with representatives from The University or City Hall, it's important to grease the golf cart, so to speak.)

Keep watching for the latest updates on the Downtown Golf Course. If you want to be on the committee, just put your name in an envelope and mail it off to Washington. I'm sure it will get into the right hopper eventually.