RIVER CITY JOURNAL: IF YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH FLORIDA, TRY SUNNY CAPE OR KENNETT

So.

Are you hungry?

If you're like the rest of us, you're way too stuffed to think about any serious topic.

Plus, you've got to keep your head clear so you can understand what's happening in Florida.

You do understand, don't you?

It's hard to describe what's going on down there. To me, it's a lot like putting a litter of kittens out on the sidewalk about a mile from your house in hopes that they will each find a house in that neighborhood where the occupants have been seriously thinking about adopting a cat.

That, of course, is not the way real life works, as we know all too well. In real life, someone from that mile-off neighborhood has already dumped a litter of kittens not 20 feet from your back door. That's real life.

There are lots of things about Florida I don't understand. But, then, I'm the guy who never remembers phone numbers -- even my own -- because I know I can always look in a phone book if push comes to shove.

If I really need to understand something that's going on in Florida, I can always ask.

You know what? So far, I haven't found a single instance of life or death that has anything to do with dimples. But that's just me. Maybe you get worked up over stuff like this.

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While everyone else is fretting over Florida, I thought I could take the opportunity to bring you up to date on Some Really Important Stuff.

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As I mentioned a few months ago, the folks down in Kennett hope to polish their town's image and have hired a consultant all the way from Jefferson City.

I tried to save the good people of Kennett a bundle of cash by proposed a sure-fire slogan for the town: "We're not Cape."

But I guess the folks down there figured my suggestion was worth exactly what they paid for it.

So now Kennettians will be coughing up some serious moolah to get something just about as good. I've learned that a town always feels better about image building if it pinches the pocketbook just a little bit.

Thankfully, Jefferson City is just barely far enough away to be the home to a whole slug of experts. That's what it takes, of course: too far away to stop payment on the check if the advice Kennett gets isn't worth a plug nickel.

And look at Jefferson City. Who among us doesn't have a soft spot for our state capital, thanks to all the fantastic PR that comes out of there?

Yep. Kennett is on the right track. Pretty soon it won't just be Sheryl Crow's hometown anymore.

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Some of you may have missed the registration deadline for the Third Annual Tiger Woods Invitational (open to anyone with $500 to spare) Golf Tournament at the World Famous Downtown Golf Course and All-You-Can-Eat Catfish Buffet.

OK. I see the puzzled looks on your faces.

You're saying, Joe, we didn't see anything about the tournament or we would have signed up and brought all our friends from St. Louis and Memphis.

First, there was no publicity for the tournament. An event like this doesn't need a lot of extra hype, if you know what I mean. This isn't Kennett.

Second, if you have to go all the way to Memphis or St. Louis for friends, you're in a world of hurt.

Surprisingly, not a single person grouched about the $500 entry fee, particularly when they found out it was going to such a good cause: The JSPM Fund. Sure, I might have mentioned crippled children here and there, but I never guaranteed your donations would cure anything.

The way I see it, this tournament is just what Cape Girardeau has needed for a long time. All eyes will be on River City the week of the tournament.

That's what we need: something to take our minds off of Florida.

I think any golfer will agree with me when I say a golf tournament, particularly a championship venue featuring the world's finest downtown golf course, is just the ticket to relieve the pressure of electing a president.

See you on the first tee. If you don't have your tee times yet, just contact the starter listed in the information packet. All calls are just $5.99 a minute (minimum 10 minutes). And you can call anytime.

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Gee whiz. I just checked my watch. It's time for a turkey sandwich.

335-6611 extension 252