RIVER CITY JOURNAL: IF YOU CAN'T GET HOME TONIGHT, DON'T BLAME ME

* For what it's worth, here is this week's dose of free advice.

That fellow who said you can't go home again originally was from Cape Girardeau.

I know this because I'm sure I met that fellow -- and a lot of others too -- who were trying to get home this week.

Why they all chose to go home in the middle of August is a bit of a mystery. Particularly if you're driving in Cape Girardeau.

Cape Girardeau?

Yes. You know. The City Where If Your Street Isn't Torn Up, You're in Jackson.

That Cape Girardeau.

When this latest batch of street resurfacing is finished, I'll be the first to admit that smooth streets are a great asset.

But, like everyone else who drives from here to there during the street work, I'm just a little put out.

Why?

Because I'm a creature of habit, that's why.

And so are you.

So get mad.

I get up in the morning. I do the same things you do every morning. I eat Cheerios. I go outside and get the paper.

I get dressed. I go to work.

This is where it gets interesting.

I go to work the same way every day. I've tried other routes. There are plenty of dandy ways to get to my job from my house.

But I'm not interested in dandy.

I'm interested in You Don't Have to Think About What Route to Take on Top of Everything Else on Your Mind.

Get my point?

Which is why I forget to take dirty clothes to the laundry.

Which is why I forget to get gas when the gauge is on empty.

Which is why I am never late for work -- even on Saturdays when I forget I don't have to go to work but do it anyway -- because I am so used to running on automatic that I plain forget to shift gears.

A lot.

Well, as I've told just about everyone this week, I know how to run the city street department better than whoever is in charge of the city street department.

Just ask me.

No. Don't ask. I'm going to tell you anyway.

First: When you tear up a street, put it back together before you tear up another street.

Second: When the pavement you remove from one street leaves a ledge for cars traveling on cross streets, take 15 more minutes to shave off the corners of the ledge.

Third: Don't ever let traffic onto a street that is closed by repairs at the other end, thereby creating a dead end with no room to turn around.

Fourth: Never set up repair crews on streets that restrict more than two right-hand turns at a time. Think about this one for a minute. So far this week, I've tried at least three routes to get somewhere only to find out you can't turn right anywhere. You know what happens when you can't turn right? You turn left. Or go straight straight out of town sometimes. At high speed.

So, if there are any parents of SEMO freshmen still waiting in line to get to the campus, please bear with us.

Our city is currently under construction. I apologize for any inconvenience you are encountering.

It isn't always this way.

Nosiree.

Sometimes we have street repairs AND sewer repairs at the same time.

Then it gets really interesting.

By the way, I know how to run the sewer department too.

Just ask me.

~R. Joe Sullivan is the editor of the Southeast Missourian.