RIVER CITY JOURNAL: HIGHEST WATERFALL WEST OF SOMEWHERE: CITY'S NEW DRAWING CARD

A rose by any other name would be called something else. Cape needs some Madison Avenue verve. Real bad.

They had a party this week at the university to dedicate the new fountain in front of Kent Library.

It was a dignified party.

Dignified folks said dignified things, and there was ample dignified applause.

The fountain, without a doubt, is dignified.

In my opinion, the new fountain is pretty to look at, pleasant to be near and a tremendous beautification achievement on a campus that already has a lot going for it.

That said, I must tell you that I'm a wee bit worried about the marketing of the new fountain.

First, the name.

The new fountain has a dignified name: The Kala M. Stroup Fountain on the Plaza. Dr. Stroup, of course, was the 14th president of the university and currently holds the esteemed position of commissioner of higher education for the state of Missouri. She and her husband's generous gift got the fountain project going, which turned into a truly lovely plaza that binds the library and Academic Hall like never before.

But when visitors come to town, are you likely to ask: Want to go see the Kala M. Stroup Fountain on the Plaza?

No. You're not likely to ask that at all.

You probably will say: Wanna see the new fountain?

Naming things has always been a marketing nightmare. Take the Jefferson National Expansion Memorial, for example. Have you ever been there?

Probably.

It's the real name of the arch in St Louis.

I think the new fountain deserves better hype than it's getting. Naturally, I'm willing to share some ideas -- to start the juices flowing, mind you. I don't have all the answers. Just most of them.

First, we need to stop talking about the "new fountain." Where's the old fountain? This is the only fountain we've got. So let's act like it.

Personally, I like the way "Highest waterfall west of the Mississippi" sounds.

(East of the Whitewater. South of Apple Creek. North of the Diversion Channel.)

True, there may be bigger waterfalls on some of our local creeks, but technically they aren't as high as our own highest waterfall west of the Mississippi because they aren't on top of hills.

I like this too: "Shortest manmade river in the Louisiana Purchase." You could probably get away with that, because most folks don't know exactly what the Louisiana Purchase is. Or how much it cost.

Tourists like extremes. If it isn't the biggest or deepest or tallest, why bother?

Cape Girardeau keeps missing out on great marketing opportunities. When was the last time you heard anyone mention the "Most invisible river in the world?"

I like the spirit in Topeka, Kan., where a rather modest but popular zoo is officially called the "World Famous Topeka Zoo."

Now that's pizzazz.

Another local attraction-in-the-making is the idea for the bri.

Oh. You don't know about the bri? Maybe you've been on a religious retreat for several months and haven't had any contact with the real world.

A bri -- truly unique to Cape Girardeau -- is half an old bridge, which is what our noble mayor hopes to preserve when the new Mississippi River bridge is completed.

Interestingly, East Cape Girardeau hasn't jumped on preserving the dge.

The dge? That's the Illinois half of the old bridge, of course.

Clearly, it's time for another one of our town's famous committees.

No, let's make it a blue-ribbon commission.

We need a commission to come up with some snappy slogans for our fair city. There's so much material to work with.

Like the new concrete creek that runs from one end of town to the other and cost more than $40 million -- so far. It doesn't even have a name. Who's going to drive to Cape Girardeau to see a no-name concrete creek?

If we want to sell Cape Girardeau, we need a Grand Canal, not a concrete creek. That's how Venice did it.

Think about it.

We've got the smallest cape, skinniest skyscraper, ugliest floodwall, most anonymous Civil War fort and most mispronounced city founder's name in the world.

And that's just a start.

What are we going to do about it?

~R. Joe Sullivan is the editor of the Southeast Missourian.