RIVER CITY JOURNAL: GETTING READY FOR THOSE GOLDEN YEARS: MEDICAL COLUMNS

When you're young, worrying about the ills of old age makes just about as much sense as a savings account.

It is amusing to my wife that I have become a regular reader of question-and-answer columns written by doctors in newspapers and magazines.

"Since when do you care about overactive thyroids?" she asks.

Over the years, I have been -- thankfully -- healthy. Except for having my tonsils out when I was 5 years old, I've never been a hospital patient. I have had fewer than a half-dozen bouts with the flu, and last year I finally overcame my fear of needles enough to start getting an annual flu shot.

Every year I get a checkup, and the doctor usually scratches his head and mutters something about wasting his time.

But I find it fascinating when doctors give answers in print to people they've never met. I sometimes wonder what it's like to be Mr. C.A. in Dubuque, Iowa, when he picks up his morning paper and reads the doctor's answer to his question about the lump in his groin. "I don't want to alarm you," the doctor diplomatically writes, "but you need to have this checked right away. It could be cancer."

There go the Cheerios.

I have tried explaining to my wife that my interest in medical information is not just a sign of advancing age. Yes, I understand that my body, just like everyone else's, is wearing out. Sooner or later I'm going to spring a leak or develop a rusty joint. I figure you can't be too prepared for tomorrow's ailment, whatever it is.

Besides, I have discovered -- thanks to my daily column reading -- that I have a condition worthy of nationwide press attention. It's called something like "gustatory rhinocortis." I'm terrible with foreign languages, but I think that's Latin for "runny nose caused by eating."

This problem only started a few years ago. I noticed that whenever I ate a meal, my nose would turn into a fountain. I never thought much about it. After all, there are certain spices and seasonings that cause just about anyone to get teary-eyed and nasally prolific, if you catch my drift.

Nowadays, anytime I eat I have to have a hanky handy. Sometimes my symptoms expand to violent sneezing. As anyone knows, a mouthful of spaghetti and sneezing are not good dinner companions.

During our younger son's last visit, I learned that my runny-nose-while-eating affliction may have been passed along to our two sons. When I mentioned the "gustatory rhinocortis" column, he perked up and said he had the same symptoms. Not only that, he said he recently learned that his older brother also could fill a tissue at any meal.

(Another sign of growing older: You start telling people about personal maladies even when they don't ask.)

The two brothers learned a lot about each other a few months ago when they met for a three-day camping trip to Big Bend National Park in far southwestern Texas. As adults, they were able to exchange personal information that as children they never would have dared mention. They were too busy fighting.

But when you're with your brother in a small tent in a wilderness where the closet living thing is in the cactus family, I guess you open up a bit.

Although I have developed a few insights into the workings of the human body by reading doctors' columns, I have managed to avoid the familiar trap of developing all the symptoms I read about.

However, I did read a column about itching toes a while back, and I was sure I was developing athlete's foot the entire rest of the day. By the next day I had completely forgotten about the column and no longer had a desire to scratch my toes.

That's another advantage of growing older: I tend to forget a lot of things. When those things are unpleasant or unsettling, I say good riddance.

~R. Joe Sullivan is the editor of the Southeast Missourian.