RIVER CITY JOURNAL: DUCT TAPE: IT'S THE PERFECT CHRISTMAS GIFT

For the hard-to-please man in your family, a sticky roll of tape is the answer. And now it's in designer colors too.

For years, my family has laughed at all the uses I've found for duct tape, which, in my opinion, ranks as the world's No. 2 greatest invention, right after the TV remote control.

As a matter of fact, duct tape was No. 1 until the current Age of Technology came along with a device that took every last shred of physical activity out of watching television.

Sure, some of you may be saying, "What about cellular phones and the Internet? Aren't they better than duct tape?"

Clearly, anyone who would ask such a question is duct tape-deprived. Maybe you didn't have a father who believed everything from broom handles to combines could be kept in good working order with a little duct tape. You ought to join a support group. You need help.

My sons, for example, have repaired bicycles while touring Africa with duct tape (borrowed from Masai tribesmen who never leave home without it) and have set up interactive TV classrooms for remote learning with duct tape (high-tech equipment isn't considered operative until it has had its first duct-tape baptism).

I started to make a list of all the uses I've found for duct tape, but there isn't time or space to do it justice. Let me at least sing the praises of duct tape in the space allowed. (Hum along, if you like.)

Duct tape looks utilitarian. The basic model is plain gray. It is wide, which comes in handy for almost any job that calls for duct tape -- and which ones don't? It is durable, but it can be torn into appropriate lengths without the aid of scissors. It is sticky enough to hold fast, but it isn't so sticky that you can do irreversible damage like that demon Krazy Glue. Duct tape makes a great bandage when used with a wad of toilet paper.

As more and more properly brought up offspring have learned the virtues of duct tape, the market has grown for more pizzazz. Duct tape now comes in colors, so everything you use it on doesn't wind up looking like a battleship.

Speaking of battleships, I have it on good authority that the navies of every industrialized nation remain afloat thanks to duct tape. Which proves the Pentagon at least knows enough to stockpile large quantities of it next to the bombs and the boots that never fit.

I have, believe or not, even used duct tape on a few ducts in my day.

For several years my wife cringed every time she used the vacuum cleaner, the old Sears model we got when we were first married. Over time it had acquired an old broomstick -- there's nothing stronger than old broom handles -- for support, held in place, of course, by large quantities of duct tape.

I will confess that I am from the school that believes if a little duct tape is good, a lot of duct tape is better. I say use as much duct tape as you possibly can on any given job. Heck, it doesn't cost very much.

One of our family cars is a 1989 model that has seen better days. OK, to be honest this car never had any better days. It was a lemon from the start. But after a new fuel pump, two new water pumps, a new air-conditioner compressor, a new driver's seat and numerous other improvements, I finally have some confidence that it will start -- yes, it has a new starter -- and will get me where I want to go, as long as it isn't very far or on deserted roads. Besides, it's an all-wheel drive car -- it goes through snow like a tank -- and it's paid for.

I've been driving the car with a rear bumper that has seen every kind of abuse that can be handed out on large parking lots. One end of the bumper has been hanging almost to the pavement. There is a large hole in one corner of the plastic (that's what bumpers are made of these days), and some decorative molding that flaps in the wind every time you go over 5 mph.

Last Saturday I took advantage of the springlike morning to tackle the bumper. I was armed with a wire coat hanger, pliers, hammer, drill and screws. I had no problem anchoring the bumper to the car with the wire hanger. I put the decorative molding back in place with some screws. But I couldn't figure out what to do with the gaping hole in the corner of the bumper.

It didn't occur to me that duct tape would be available in a color that nearly matches the bumper (mud brown, but in auto design lingo it's called bronze, or something like that). Sure enough, the hardware store had exactly what I needed. "Must be doing a few repairs," said the salesman with a knowing twinkle in his eyes. It's kind of a male bonding thing for those of us who don't kill Bambi's father every year.

Soon the hole disappeared under a few layers of tape. For good measure, I taped over the other bumper corner just to confuse anyone following too closely. Let them figure out which side has a hole in it.

You want to know what's No. 3 on the list of the world's greatest inventions? It's wire coat hangers. You ought to hear what I can do with a hanger ... .

~R. Joe Sullivan is the editor of the Southeast Missourian.