RIVER CITY JOURNAL: BEWARE OF PADDED ENVELOPES BEARING GIFTS

Senders of these womb-like packages probably don't understand the havoc they can cause on the receiving end. It's about time someone set them straight.

Dear Southern Illinois University Press:

Thank you for the book I received from you in the mail today. I am sure it will be enjoyable and informative reading.

On the other hand, it may not be a book at all. You see, as of 11 a.m. today (the mail arrives at 9 a.m.), I still haven't figured out how to open the padded manila envelope in which the book (or no book) arrived.

I know from experience, however, that padded manila envelopes are disasters waiting to happen. If you cut through the padding material that is supposed to protect the contents, a large quantity of what looks like shredded newspaper falls onto the desk, my clothing and the floor. Since I am not by nature a messy person, having shredded anything all over me and my work area does not put me in a frame of mind to think positively about the contents of the envelope. You might say I get downright annoyed and, furthermore, am inclined to throw away anything that comes in a padded manila envelope without ever discovering its contents.

The booby-trapped envelopes can be likened to gimmicky press releases that sometimes show up at newspapers. Perhaps you have seen them. Perhaps you have sent them. These are the ones that want to call my attention to a festive event by having tiny bits of tinsel glitter spew out of the envelope when it is opened. You know, like confetti at a New Year's party.

I can tell you without reservation that most folks expect glitter at a New Year's party and are willing to suffer the inconvenience such sparkling detritus causes, like sticking in your hair (OK, I should be glad I still have hair in which confetti can attach itself) or in the creases of your clothing -- not to mention the mess someone will have to clean up after the party is over. And if the party is at my house, that's me.

But when I open what is presumed to be, lacking any other clues to the contrary, a piece of business communication, I rarely expect to be bombarded with either glitter or shredded newspaper.

On occasion I have actually scooped up enough of the confetti that has been mailed to me and have mailed it back to the sender with a note suggesting that they should enjoy the experience of opening a glitter-filled envelope as much as I have. Unbelievably, I have had clever PR people call me to complain about the mess I have caused.

I have noticed, in my long association with user-unfriendly mail, that some envelope manufacturers have thoughtfully designed an easy-open system. It doesn't always work. The tab you are supposed to pull often breaks off, leaving me in the same predicament as if no easy-open system had been attempted. But when these opening devices work, they are wonderful. No glitter. No shredded newspaper. Just the contents.

The package you sent to me today appears to be hermetically sealed on all four sides. I am sure this offers some confidence on your part that the contents will arrive intact, but it leaves me having to decide whether it is worth the attendant mess that is likely to occur if I attempt to open this envelope.

Here is what I would like to propose: By return mail, please send me operating instructions for the envelope you mailed Feb. 5. Upon receipt, I will attempt to follow your instructions and avoid getting my day off to a really bad start by making a mess trying to open the envelope by myself -- untrained, if you will, in the fine art of manila envelope surgery.

Thank you for your attention to this matter. I know you want my experience with the contents of this envelope to be as positive as possible. Anything you can do in that regard will be greatly appreciated.

I anxiously await your helpful reply.

Most sincerely,

~R. Joe Sullivan is the editor of the Southeast Missourian.