REMARKS: UNWANTED 'DOTS,' WEIRD SPELLINGS ARE VERY IRRITATING

Change makes me mad. I guess if I'm really honest with myself, I have to admit that. Change irritates me -- especially changes that affect me, on which I have no input. I don't recall a Gallup pole, congressional representative or Supreme Court justice ever calling me to solicit my opinion on key (or not-so-key issues).

Right now I'm on a "dot" binge. No, not Not Warner, the female third of the "Anamaniacs," nor "Dot" as a cute nickname for "Dorothy." "Dot" in place of "period" or "point" is what is chaffing my hide presently. When I came to work at the Southeast Missourian office, I recoiled at seeing some of the Missourian staff's business cards. The phone number was given as 1.800.879.1210. Good grief, I thought, that looks like some asinine sales tax percentage. A phone number is a series of digits with hyphens between (i.e. 1-800-879-1210). That is a phone number.

When I said I didn't want any of that malarkey on my cards, I was grudgingly excused, since my Jackson and Scott County business cards aren't true Missourian cards. The big paper's cards, I was told, all have to have the silly dots, because that is now supposedly the way overseas numbers are done. This is a flashback to the 1970s when bullies in Europe decided that America needed to start using the metric system. We were told that we would go metric, "or else!" (Although I don't remember anyone ever saying "or else what!") Of course the U.S. faced this problem the way it does most absurdities. It merely ignored it. Like unbrushed teeth, the move to become a metric nation finally went away.

As a loyal American, I am proud to say I don't' know HOW many liters are in a pica or how many kilobytes are in a meter. Oh, I grew up with picas as an acceptable horizontal measuring unit in newspaper measurement. I know that 25.2 picas or 4.25 inches equal two SAU columns. But don't start giving distances in kilometers (even in parenthesis, after the real distance).

We ignored that rubbish and we can ignore this tripe today, I we only tick together. "Three-three-five-dot-six-six-one-one" is not a phone number and "100-dot-seven" is not a radio station. Dang it, life is not a web site. We do not have to give in to the computer Geeks' lingo. It's bad enough having to call the "number" key the "pounds" key.

Spelling of children's names is another frustrating glitch. I am almost tempted to suggest mandatory standardization of name-spelling in the United States. With many of today's educational testing measures, there are less and less absolutes. In some schools, from hat I here, an entire class grade may be given on an essay question. This is not bad in itself. However, no answer is considered wrong,a s long as the student does a fair job of defending his/her answer -- and this is not on opinion topics, such as "What makes a good person." This is the case on historical or scientific questions.

I guess it is only natural that this has spilled over into name-spelling. Maybe it's time to clamp down right here. Jarod? Jared? Jarred? Jarrod: Jerod? Let's pick one spelling and ban the others. We may let "Jarritt" go for now -- but sound-alikes may need to be regulated, too. I would absolutely ban the mere thought of spelling "Jonathon/Jonathan" with an "h." I mean, the whole idea of even having a Jonathan is to be able to call the little dude "Jon," thus differentiating him from all the average "Johns" in the world. Putting an "h" in the name defeats the whole purpose.

Now artsy-crafty phonetic spellings have come into vogue and threaten the very foundation of the English language. Before Shairee, Britanee, Alysson, Rhandy, etc., come into wider acceptance, some control most be established.

Okay, maybe I'm out of touch, behind the times, a few bricks short or maybe even going over the edge -- but what can you expect from a man who still likes to pull out his trusty old manual typewriter on occasion?