REMARKS: I'D ALMOST FORGOTTEN ABOUT COMMERCIALS!

Before the recent Facts of Life marathon on Nick-at-Nite and the 2000 Summer Olympics, I had almost forgotten about television commercials. Almost. It hasn't taken long for my memory to be refreshed. As one who doesn't generally have the TV on a lot, I am usually able to avoid the things all together, with 30 or so channels to flip between. By the time I've worked my way back around to my program, I've not only missed the commercials, but the most important 10 seconds of the show itself!

The past two weeks, though, I have seen some commercials that definitely work and some that leave me scratching my head. One that was brilliant in its stupidity (or stupid in its brilliance, perhaps) was the first of the "zoom zoom" commercials for Volvo -- or whoever the car manufacturer was.

While the newer one (with the Jeep raised by a pack of sports cars) doesn't quite connect like the first one, they are still onto something. The first version seemed to connect to some hidden childhood root within many of us -- the desire to go fast. Zoom zoom. It's not too complicated, but it connects.

One that aired during the Olympics totally went over my head. A bunch of people were putting some type of bags (body bags?) on horses and sending them galloping into the desert. One horse lost its bag and someone held up a sign about truth. Can anyone explain to me what on earth this one was about?

Whatever the point, I totally missed it.

Of course, some of the best commercials are the humorous ones. I got a kick out of one in which a teenage skate boarder was being chased through a busy city by a man in armor. As the kid desperately speeded between totally nonchalant pedestrians, the knight was swinging broad axes and (barbed balls) at him, just missing. In the end it pegged the sponsor (Nike, I think) and said you need the product "...because you never know when you may meet a gladiator." At that, the tip of the gladiator's helmet stuck out as he peers, waiting, from behind a wall. Somehow this gave it a rather charming ending.

My favorite current ad, though, has to be the three young men eyeing the last piece of cheese at a party. The first man's mother appeared in a miniature thought bubble, urging him to "make me proud" and not to take the last piece. The next dude's mother appeared, and in a middle-aged Jewish voice admonished him "You weren't raised by wolves, you know!" Finally the third young man looked at the cheese and waited for the thought bubble to appear. Instead of a scolding mother, a howling wolf appeared. His eyes lit up and he grabbed the cheese. This had to be one of the funniest and most clever ads I've ever seen.

Of course the Nick-at-Nite commercials -- especially during marathons -- are almost as good as the shows themselves. Some of the Gilligan's Island marathon (in July, I believe) spots were hilarious. The Facts of Life ones were, too, including the Rod Serling-like commentator asking the viewer "If The Facts of Life were REALLY about YOU, then why weren't YOU ever on the show?" In years past they have been even more entertaining, including making up idiotic lyrics for classic TV themes that had no words.

I guess the only one that immediately comes to mind funnier than the howling wolf commercial was one a few years back about people in a stalled elevator. I think it was advertising light bulbs. A young man in a suit was on the elevator when a rely attractive young women got on, standing next to him.

Either working up courage or trying to act cool, he buried himself behind his newspaper. He failed to see her get off at the next floor and a pudgy middle-age man -- looking like a janitor or plumber -- get on, standing in the same spot.

Suddenly the lights went out, leaving the screen black. Someone cried "Power outage!" You heard the man's newspaper crinkling, obviously being put down.

His voice cooed "I hope you know I find you very attractive." The jovial voice of the plumber replied out of the blackness "Gee, thank you very much!" or something to that effect. (I have a feeling that on many of these you had to BE there to appreciate them.)

Another all-time favorite was the charming one done by Jimmy Stewart late in his life. He was pitching soup, portraying the grandfather of a teenage girl. The pouting girl whined "Why are boys so stupid?" After convincing her to have some soup, he said "You know, in all the years your grandmother and I were married, she never ONCE called me stupid.'" One half expected a lecture to be coming. Instead he added "She always called me a pin head!'"

Local stations also get into the act. In the 1980s St. Louis sports anchor Zip Rzeppa and weatherman Bob Richards had some great commercials, playing up a supposed rivalry between the two. Later, Mark Linn-Baker and Branson Pinchot of Perfect Strangers did a hilarious plug for Channel 5, featuring Zip. In his Balki Bartokamous accent, Pinchot stammered around on "Zip Rzeppa," finally breaking into a chorus of "Zippady doo da, zippady aye," on which Linn-Baker joined him.

Back in the pre-cable days we were forced to sit through the same commercials over and over until we could scream. This at least led to some wonderful commercial parodies on The Carol Burnette Show as well as on sit-coms and movies. (I even wrote a couple of "Commercial Spoofs" short stories in high school.)

One of the classic sequences in the movie Airplane include a take off on a Maxwell House coffee commercial of the era. The stewardess offered a young couple a second cup of coffee. The wife started to decline for the two of them, when the husband accepted. Just like in the commercials, an echoy voice in the concerned wife's mind went "Jim NEVER has a second cup of coffee at HOME!" Later, "Jim" was vomiting into a barf bag, moaning "I shouldn't have had that second cup of coffee." The wife looked away, the same concerned look on her face, and thought "Jim NEVER vomits at HOME!"

Such were the more ludicrous ads of the 1970s and the repetitive pounding our brains took from them. Who can forget the woman visiting Madge, the neurotic manicurist. Told she is soaking her hands in dish washing liquid, she nearly had a coronary. "Relax!" Madge ordered, apparently stifling the

urge to slap her around. "It's Palmolive!"

Others that were so ludicrous or obnoxious that they HAD to be parodied included the Tidy Bowl Man and the man standing behind (inside of) the medicine cabinet, urging the startled occupant to change brands of deodorant. Of course who can forget Mr. Wipple? The Charmin-squeezing store manager (played by Dick Wilson) was voted the third most recognized American (behind Richard Nixon and Billy Graham) in a 1972 poll.

The temperamental Mother Nature in the Chaffon commercials was also a classic. "It's not NICE to fool Mother Nature!" Dena Dietrich would growl, causing a storm to hit. Later on, Parkay commercials featuring

talking/arguing margarine tubs would dominate the airwaves. Maybe the most bizarre margarine commercials, though, where the Imperial Margarine ones of the 1960s and 1970s. Someone would take a bite of it and a crown would appear on his/her head, as a royal trumpet score sounded. This was hilariously parodied on a Green Acres episode in which the Douglases' margarine was doing the same trick.

Which ones of today's commercials will receive the status of being parodied and which ones will be remembered vividly in 30 years? No doubt, if any of us knew that answer we would be writing commercials rather than watching them.