POWER PLAY: THIRTY-SIX CHANNELS AND NOTHING ON

Cable television isn't necessarily evil.

Like handguns, cable TV is neutral. But when improperly used it can have a serious impact, leaving thousands of once productive people forever beached on the shores of sloth.

Cable TV doesn't kill intelligent thought and initiative. People kill intelligent thought and initiative. Or something like that.

In our over-regulated society, every little thing that might possibly -- no matter how improbably -- kill, maim, injure or even cause a minor rash is subjected to so many restrictions that the greater danger lies in being buried and suffocating beneath the regulations. It is surprising, then, that cable boxes aren't required to have warning labels that read: "Use of this product causes laziness, severe bloating and a lack of creativity in pregnant women and everyone else."

However, I'm not one of those victim types -- and even if I were, it would be my parents' fault -- so I'm willing to take sole responsibility for my actions -- or to be precise, inactions -- as related to television.

I rarely watched the thing until I got cable. I work evenings and usually stay up late, and free TV after midnight just doesn't offer much, unless you really dig the Psychotic Friends Network.

Cable, however, holds more possibilities and I now find myself willingly trapped in the energy-sucking vortex of television. Confessions of a couchling.

There still isn't much on, but running through the cycle of channels can keep you occupied for hours. The most intriguing items are commercials for the Cool Channels which are, of course, completely unavailable around here.

For years I have wondered why the local system doesn't carry any St. Louis stations, particularly KPLR so I can get my fill of Blues hockey.

Those I've discussed the issue with are convinced the absence of such channels is the result of an insidious conspiracy between TCI Cable, local broadcast outlets, the CIA, the military-industrial complex, the NHL Board of Governors and a few other nefarious groups in order to achieve some dread purpose that is yet unknown.

Unfortunately, TCI's general manager dispelled what I had considered a perfectly good conspiracy theory.

Due to limitations on the local system, if something new is added, something else goes. St. Louis channels that are network affiliates, he said, would be blacked out whenever they aired programming identical to that on local broadcast stations. Valuable channel space would spend a good deal of time serving no useful purpose.

KPLR, which is an independent station, would rarely be blacked out, but the quality of its signal would be questionable. Unlike national stations that are picked up via satellite, KPLR would be received by TCI over the airwaves. Considering the distance from St. Louis, the picture would not always be the best, he said.

Anyway, he pointed out that most of KPLR's programs appear on other channels on the system. Still, I would like to see those Blues games. Prime Sports Network shows some, but not nearly as many.

As to other Cool Channels like the History Channel or ESPN2, after a planned expansion of the system is completed in about two years, they might be added. The TCI man said customer input will play a role in choosing new offerings, but declined to comment on how many channels to expect.

In the short-run, Intro-TV will be added on Dec. 31 and will air blocks of the aforementioned channels and many others to give viewers a taste of what else is out there.

In the meantime, the Prevue Channel should be dumped as a complete waste of space. I may be lazy, but at least I'm willing to actually take the effort to read TV Guide to find out what's on.

Then again, once you read TV Guide, you don't really need to actually watch TV.

~Marc Powers is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.