POWER PLAY: KIDS ARE SMELLY, DESTRUCTIVE AND NOISY

As regular readers of this paper are aware, two members of this newsroom recently had a baby.

Only one them actually had the baby, of course. The primary duty of the other was to provide moral support.

My hearty congratulations to both, as well as my appreciation. As long as other people are out there producing hatchlings to propagate the species, I won't be expected to do so.

There are many duties in the world that are necessary but of which I am not particularly keen.

Somebody has to pick up the garbage, clean the sewers, serve as game show hosts, throw wars and work as television news anchors or society won't function. Or at least we'd be a bunch of filthy, game show-free pacifists who read newspapers.

As long as others are willing to perform those vital and necessary tasks, I'm off the hook.

Having children is one of those duties to which I do not look forward, and since I don't possess the appropriate innards, it is not really an issue.

But raising those children also is a frightening prospect.

I certainly don't hate kids. I quite like them. But I like them most when they belong to someone else.

I can go over to their house, play with the kids and eventually go home. The parents, unfortunate souls, are not so lucky. They are stuck with the little creatures and the accompanying responsibilities of cleaning, protecting, educating, financing and posting bail.

My view on children is very close to my view on dogs -- fun and playful, yes, but very high maintenance. That is why my pet of choice is the cat. Routinely pour food and water on them plus change the litter box and your responsibilities are complete.

My old partner Slim had a good theory about child rearing: Ship them off to military school as soon as possible. Of course, since that statement was (repeatedly) made long before his impending marriage was ever contemplated, he probably disavows all knowledge of the slightest inkling of the merest fragment of such a thought ever having crossed his mind. At least to Mrs. Slim.

Kids of course do possess some important attributes. For example, without children elementary school teachers would have no choice but to enter the work force. Nobody wants that. Also, the diaper, baby food, toy and spitwad industries would be rendered completely useless.

On the other hand, there would be absolutely no demand for Power Rangers and that big purple oaf Barney -- a sorry, sorry excuse for a dinosaur -- leaving valuable space on the afternoon airwaves open for those delightful talk show hosts who inspire and educate us all.

Kids are smelly and troublesome, they make funny noises, break stuff, injure themselves frequently, and constantly get into trouble. If I want to associate with people who possess those qualities, I'll move back in with the drunks I lived with in college.

But I really admire people who ARE cut out for parenthood. When you have kids, so I've observed, your life is no longer really your own. Every decision -- except perhaps some of the minor ones such as what color of shoes to wear or whether to supersize your fries at lunch -- is geared toward the welfare and upbringing of the childling.

Good parents spend roughly 20 years per child worrying about them getting hurt, or contracting a disease or making the wrong decisions despite what they've been taught (which invariably happens when they become teen-agers). And when childlings finally reach adulthood, they still don't go away, but show up at their parents' house to borrow money and clean out the food pantry.

No wonder parents are always so wigged out.

~Marc Powers is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.