POWER PLAY: IT IS JUST A LICENSE PLATE, NOT A WORK OF ART

What exactly is so wrong with Missouri's current, albeit drab, license plate that so many people are so keen to change it?

Not vibrant enough, some say. Not as nice as other states', some say. Not at all evocative of post-impressionist style, some say. No snappy phrases concocted by the guys in marketing, the guys in marketing say.

Doesn't anyone realize that it is just a bloody license plate?

I, for one, am quite proud of our current plate. Those boring white characters on a plain maroon background show the nation that we are a state that has more important things to do than fuss over appearances.

Some people apparently have forgotten exactly what purpose the license plate is intended to serve. It exists to allow law enforcement officials to identify the ownership of vehicles. It also makes sure that owners annually pay the taxes and fees necessary for the privilege of driving on public roads.

The license plate is not intended to be a snazzy accessory to enhance the appearance of motor vehicles, an automotive equivalent of matching earrings.

Those who want mobile fashion statements are better off investing a few grand on spoilers, running boards, really huge tires, neon running lights or the various other horrors people feel the need to subject innocent automobiles to. Tiny pieces of metal displaying a sequence of letters and numbers simply aren't that impressive.

That, of course, hasn't kept people from trying. The most hideous manifestations of this are personalized license plates. They are just a way of for people to say, "Oh, look at me. I'm so clever and wonderful because I have `GORAMS' on my plates and I thought it up all by myself." Four words: Buy a bumper sticker.

Then there are the special edition tags which let other drivers know that the car's owner is a graduate of a certain university, veteran of the military, former third-chair accordion player in their junior high marching band or holds one of myriad other affiliations.

Soon ex-prisoners who made license plates while in the penitentiary are going to demand plates which read "Convicted Felon."

Veterans can almost make a decent case for specialized plates, especially the ex-prisoners of war, Purple Heart recipients and others of similar distinction whom I have not yet spotted on the road. These people made sacrifices for their country, let them have whatever they want. However, I still don't understand how license tags are an impressive forum for boasting of one's achievements or affiliations.

Of course, if the Department of Revenue, which administers such things, can think of a new way to generate funds, it goes for it. That is why the word "revenue" is included in its name.

As to the standard plates most of us have, who really cares what they look like? So what if other states want to display their state fruit, their state tree, their state animal or their state dead president? Do we feel a need to keep up with the Floridians?

So what if a new design might prove more aesthetically pleasing? It certainly would be pleasant if the monthly water bill was printed on stationary featuring a reproduction of Van Gogh's "Starry Night," but there is no good reason for the city to start doing so.

Unfortunately a new design likely is inevitable. But let's hope the worst case scenario doesn't become reality: The Missouri mule wins the license plate sweepstakes.

Although mule people correctly point out that the donkey -- not the mule -- is a jackass, that is something of which most people are not aware. I don't want Missouri to become The Jackass State.

If there is a need to honor a critter common to Missouri, keep the present design as a tribute to the bland and faceless state bureaucrat.

~Marc Powers is staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.