POWER PLAY: IN DINING MECCA: LET THEM EAT STEAK

Cape Girardeau is becoming the dining Mecca of Southeast Missouri as many fine chain-franchise joints -- of both the fast-food and sit-down sub-species -- are popping up hither, thither and yon almost daily.

You can't throw a well-fed restaurant critic 20-meters without hitting at least a dozen new dining establishments. Why someone would desire to throw a food critic any distance is unknown, unless, of course, the thrower is a restaurant owner who has received a particularly bad review.

A study recently published in the American Journal of Things You Shouldn't Do or You'll Die cited the likelihood of injury associated with hurling newspaper writers of any sort. As newspaper people tend to be heavy and out of shape from endless hours planted behind a computer terminal munching entire drums of Fat-O-Plenty, even attempting to lift one just a few inches off the ground may cause severe back problems.

Unlike our counterparts on television, we newspaper folk don't have to be at all concerned with personal appearance. As faceless names on a byline, we don't have to keep slim and svelte and make sure every hair is in place.

We have the luxury of piling on about 30 extra pounds and concentrating steadily on developing heart disease. In fact, if a reporter makes even the slightest attempt at a more healthy lifestyle, he risks being considered a traitor to the traditions of his profession by coworkers.

That probably explains why this paper has few reporters over the age of 40.

Like a lot of people, I enjoy a good meal. It's surprising, however, the amount of fast food I ingest. To paraphrase from that classic of American film, "Crocodile Dundee": You can live on it, but it tastes like dirt.

Maybe not quite as bad as dirt, but it is nasty. No one I know over the age of 18 actually enjoys the taste of the stuff. They're just lazy. It's much simpler to stop off at Burger World or Terrible Tacos than to actually cook something.

Cheap and quick -- the only redeeming qualities of fast food. Still those two points are enough that we shovel the stuff down by the metric ton. Of course, if the ketchup-to-entree ratio is high enough, even raw skunk is probably palatable.

Also, fast food is severely detrimental to the health of most known carbon-based lifeforms. Next time you walk into Burger World think about your order: "Hi. I'd like a double bypass with cheese, a large angioplasty and a medium cup of caramel-flavored malted battery acid to inflame that peptic ulcer. To go, thank you."

Visions of the Gastro-intestinal Delight Value Meal doesn't exactly conjure the promoted image of "Food, Folks and Fun."

Not that people shouldn't eat the stuff -- it's your thing, do what you want a do -- but let's not kid ourselves.

Even food that tastes good is often lousy for you, if you take stock in the periodic warnings of apocalypse issued by the Food Police. Italian, Mexican, Chinese and virtually every other ethnic food have been listed as being almost as health-threatening as drinking gasoline, even ultra-premium.

And let's not forget movie theatre popcorn, a small container of which supposedly has fat and cholesterol levels equivalent to that of a dozen large head of cattle.

We all might be in dire need of cholesterol screenings, but there's no reason to make everyone uptight about it.

~Marc Powers is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.