POWER PLAY: FEDERAL BUILDING CHOICE BIG HAARIG DEAL

The proposed new federal building for Cape Girardeau will not be built on the site of old St. Francis Hospital.

This should be obvious. Of all the sites suggested, it is the most practical and logical and would provide the most benefit for the city. However, the federal government is not in the business of bothering with such matters. It has a reputation to think of, you know.

Officials with the General Services Administration, the federal agency that demolishes and builds things, initially said the site in the 800 block of Good Hope Street is too far away from the existing federal building at Broadway and Fountain streets.

The feds, being the big, happy, loving family they are, apparently can't bear to be more than a couple hundred meters apart, so they want the new building within walking distance of the present one, which will remain in service. It's more efficient, they claim, for everything to be close by.

Since the GSA guys are all from out of town, maybe they haven't realized that unlike in St. Louis or Kansas City, in a town the size of Cape Girardeau everything IS close by. But we can't have the poor, overworked federal officials inconvenienced by a drive of up to TWO FULL MINUTES to get from the present federal building to the old St. Francis site.

A slightly more important GSA official later said that St. Francis' position outside of the area currently under consideration "is not a make-or-break item." The city must simply redefine what it considers to be its central business district, since a presidential directive says that's where new federal buildings must go.

The goal of the directive is to help counter urban decay in downtown areas. A good idea, but in Cape's case it doesn't apply. Our downtown thrives as both a business district and a residential area. If the feds insist on building there, they must demolish structures in use -- a counterproductive move.

The vacant Marquette Hotel, of course, could stand to come down, but that is not considered a prime site because relocation of the radio and television stations that share the block would prove too costly.

Unlike downtown, the Good Hope area is in pretty sorry shape. If the feds are interested in revitalization, this is place to start.

The rundown property could be picked up cheaply and when replaced with a shiny new courthouse, businesses would begin returning to the area instead of abandoning it. Also, the new Highway 74 would make access easy, and adjacent blocks likely could be obtained easily for additional parking or future expansion.

But it won't happen. Not because St. Francis isn't near the existing federal building. Not because it isn't considered part of Cape's downtown. The reason: That part of town is known as the Haarig Business District. Staff at the German Consulate in Frohna report that the word "haarig" is deutsch for "hairy."

In today's political, racial and ethnic climate, federal creatures are extremely leery of any move that might appear in any real or imagined way to endorse or show contempt for any particular group or lifestyle.

Building the federal building in a region known as "hairy" could be perceived as a major slap in the face to balding men, skinheads, marines and other hairless members of the community while endorsing hippies and men with long beards.

It could also be seen as showing favoritism to the manufacturers of various hair-care products -- shampoo, conditioner, mousse, gel, hair dryers, curling irons, brushes, combs -- as well as the hair stylist and barber unions. Considering the massive lobbying power those groups hold, the feds could be derided for pandering to special interests.

And the government also could face recriminations from lobbyists for non-hair related hygiene items -- hand soap, body lotions, fingernail clippers, deodorant, lipstick -- who feel left out.

Such a move could create civil strife never seen before in Cape Girardeau, pitting bald brother against brother with a full head of hair and manicurists versus hair stylists. We're not ready for that.

~Marc Powers is a staff writer for the Southeast Missouri.