POWER PLAY: DOESN'T ANYONE AROUND HERE USE CASH?

Like those in most regions, people in Southeast Missouri have a distinct way of doing things and behaviors that may appear quirky to outsiders.

There is, of course, nothing wrong with that.

People tend to view the way they learned to do things as the correct way, and question when others behave differently. That is one reason why the Federation and the Klingon Empire always have so much trouble getting along.

But there is no reason to get snitty about differences. Some boorish folk who move in from another region constantly drone on about how much more efficiently, logically and with increased plaque-reducing power people do things back home. If where they came from was so darn wonderful, one wonders why they left.

I am not a native Southeast Missourian, but having lived here for six and a half of the last seven years, this is home.

But some things about the indigenous population still strike me as odd. Not wrong, just odd.

For example, only in Scott City would the Mid-Summer Festival be held at the end of spring.

Mid-summer -- along with the beginning of summer and the end of summer -- ranks among the top three best parts of summer, so maybe festival organizers wanted to get in on the bottom floor of mid-summer popularity before it actually arrived and everyone else jumped on the bandwagon.

Or perhaps due to some city ordinance seasons occur at different times of the year in Scott City than in the rest of the universe.

In Cape Girardeau, people have a peculiar habit of complaining about the traffic.

In and of itself this is not at all strange. Spelled out in the Fifth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution -- sandwiched between the right to trial by jury and the protection against double jeopardy -- is a clause guaranteeing all citizens and resident aliens the freedom to complain about traffic and road conditions. (This right, however, was suspended by Abraham Lincoln during the Civil War, leading to the jailing of anti-war Copperheads who complained about being late to work after being stuck in hoof-to-hoof jams because of Union troop movements on the interstate.)

The peculiar thing about local residents moaning about the lousy traffic conditions is that as far as I can tell there isn't any traffic in Cape Girardeau.

Even during what is euphemistically referred to as "rush hour" around here, it only takes 11 minutes to get from one side of town to the other instead of the standard nine.

The only thing that even closely resembles traffic in town occurs at the Show Me Center following SEMO basketball games. And considering the less-than-stellar record of the squad in recent years, this is becoming less and less of a problem.

Another observation is the extent to which Southeast Missourians rely on checkbooks, even for the most minor of purchases. Nobody around here, it seems, uses cash.

I'm used to checks being reserved for paying utility bills, rent and kickbacks to local and state officials, not for buying a pack of smokes. But as long as regional commerce runs smoothly, no need to tamper with it.

One of the many national chain-franchise, bar-restaurant type places which specialize in deep-fried everything new to town learned a crash lesson in the special relationship between Southeast Missourians and checking accounts.

Following a company policy of not accepting checks, the restaurant was horrified to discover that few patrons came for dinner with legal tender. The policy was quickly dropped.

Personally, I don't have a bit of use for checks as I pay everything in cash, except for the aforementioned bribes to government officials. Corrupt officials around here, as is well known, prefer payment in back-issues of MAD magazine, which are virtually impossible for the IRS to trace.

Associates of mine with checking accounts almost always take part in what is known as Bad Check Day. This ritual consists of writing checks a day or two prior to payday, even though there are insufficient funds in their accounts.

The purpose of this is to trick the bank people into floating a short-term loan at no interest. As a result, their paychecks are half spent before payday.

Silly me. That's what I thought credit cards were for.

Marc Powers is a member of the Southeast Missourian news staff.