POWER PLAY: COLUMNIST JUST CAN'T PLEASE ANYONE

A few weeks ago, coworker and fellow columnist Heidi Nieland returned from an assignment a bit annoyed, and apparently it was all my fault.

"Every time I go to do an interview this week," she said, "someone says, `Oh, Heidi, I really enjoy your column.'"

What's the problem? Aren't compliments to be desired, particularly considering that in our profession most of the time when people are moved to comment on your work it's to demand your immediate deportation?

"Yeah," she replied, "but invariably they follow the compliment with `But that Marc Powers, he's a real smart ass.'"

Several other of my coworkers have related similar experiences. So in the interest of maintaining what little popularity I still have around the office and for future reference to disgruntled readers who may have occasion to encounter a Southeast Missourian writer who isn't me, I offer this disclaimer:

(ital)The views expressed by Marc Powers are not necessarily shared, endorsed, comprehended or tolerated by any other member of the Southeast Missourian staff and in fact most of them wish he would just shut up so people would leave them alone and make their lives a little easier. (unital)

There, that should clear some things up.

One of the hazards of writing a column is that no matter what you say you're going to aggravate someone, even if you don't really mean it.

Some months ago I wrote about my complete, total and unequivocal desire to someday absolutely, positively not have children. Some people were deeply offended that I referred to kids as smelly, noisy, destructive harbingers of disaster. Kids, of course, are all of those things but they eventually grow up to become Republicans and those childhood tendencies are viewed in a more nostalgic light.

However, most of the significant amount of feedback I received expressed outrage concerning one small sentence in which I poked fun at teachers. I was just being my normal silly self, but teachers took it seriously and were not amused.

Teachers are a rather sensitive lot when it comes to criticism, but I can't really blame them. They work extremely hard and have all sorts of extra problems and responsibilities dumped on them. In addition to teaching, they are expected to be cops, social workers, drug education counselors and experts in myriad other fields that usually are considered full-time careers.

And they also are blamed for everything that doesn't happen in schools but should, and everything that does happen and shouldn't. Because of this, they have developed an instinctive reflex reaction which causes them to launch immediate counterattacks against any perceived criticisms. I think it's something they teach in college education courses.

But educators are not the only ones to whom I have failed to endear myself. After a column on school choice -- which I oppose in the current suggested forms -- a gentleman on the other side of the issue rang me at the office. After exchanging pleasantries like "How are you doing today?" he replied, "Fine, until I read your column."

Who would have thought that I would someday have the ability to ruin a person's entire day without even having to run over their dog or redesign their TV Guide? Mom will be so proud.

And then there was the owner of a karaoke business who accused me of driving away customers by declaring karaoke dead on the local club scene. Wow, not only am I a ruiner of days but I apparently can exert destructive influence on local commerce as well.

As I said before, no matter what you say, someone is bound to disagree or even become extremely angry. And this, I believe, is a good thing. If nothing else, it keeps the Speak Out people occupied with fits of righteous indignation instead of interacting with the general population.

If columnists were to delete everything which might possibly -- no matter how improbably -- be construed negatively by some individual or group, there would be a big blank hole in this space.

While many of you would no doubt find that a marked improvement, that would probably offend environmentalists who would view the blank section as a needless waste of paper.

~Marc Powers is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.