POWER PLAY: CHRISTMAS WISHES FROM SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER

This past year has been a rough one for Santa Claus.

His troubles first began when the Federal Aviation Administration realized that he has never once filed a flight plan with the proper authorities upon entering U.S. air space.

At first it seemed that considering Santa's contributions to the children of the world, the whole matter would be settled with a moderate fine. However, when it was also revealed that a reindeer-driven sleigh does not even come close to meeting the department's minimum safety and operational standards for light aircraft, the FAA demanded stricter penalties were.

Santa's governmental woes were compounded when the State Department reported that he continually and flagrantly violated the trade embargo imposed on Iraq since the Gulf War by delivering Christmas toys to that country.

And then dissident elves who emigrated to the U.S. began demonstrating, describing toy factories driven by slave labor and accusing him of numerous human rights abuses against the elves. Since Santa is not a major U.S. trading partner like China, Congress and the president have called for immediate sanctions.

Also, his long-running border dispute with the Canadians proved even more troublesome as each side in the dispute over the secession of Quebec accused him of aiding the other.

Perhaps most annoying of all, the radical animal rights group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals accused him of animal cruelty for his using flying reindeer in an age when mankind no longer needs to enslave animals for toy delivery purposes.

All of these problems combined to severely weaken Claus Industries stock and leave it vulnerable for a hostile takeover bid by Westinghouse. Santa was forced to sell off his lucrative software subsidiary to Bill Gates in order to raise enough liquid capital to fight off the takeover.

The only break the Big Man in Red got was when threatened legal action convinced "60 Minutes" to kill a planned segment on his alleged ties to the tobacco industry. (Industry documents leaked to the media revealed that Santa, at the behest of producers, gave packs of Chesterfields as stocking stuffers until the 1960s.)

As you can imagine, these problems have taken a large portion of Santa's time. As a result, he contracts out low-priority duties like answering correspondence.

Santa doesn't pay much, but he does give his writers a total pardon for anything that might have landed them on the Naughty List. And it provides an interesting glimpse into what people really want for Christmas.

Some examples from the Santa mailbag:

Dear Santa,

I would like Sen. Peter Kinder's head mounted on a pike.

Dr. Robert Bartman

Bob,

Sorry, but ever since the animal rights people started with their harassment, Santa does not deliver gifts which in any way resemble taxidermy. How about a shiny new educational philosophy instead?

Dear Santa,

We would like some surprise vacation time right around Christmas. To be paid by taxpayers, of course.

Nonessential Federal Employees

NFEs,

Not a problem.

Dear Santa,

I need a job.

Dr. Neyland Clark

Neyland,

It seems you haven't been too popular in your last couple situations. Perhaps a profession where unpopularity is a positive boon, such as IRS auditor or DMV clerk, would be more suited to your talents.

Dear Santa,

Please, please, dear God please, may I have a winning season.

Coach Ron Shumate.

Ron,

You recruited your players, so there isn't much I can do. However, I do have an extensive collection of designer paper bags. If you're going to hide your head in shame, you might as well look sharp.

For the rest of you, remember leave only lowfat cookies and forget the milk this year.

Severe obesity and a lactose intolerance are catching up with Santa.

~Marc Powers is a staff writer for the Southeast Missourian.