Parents: Are you guilty of arguing in front of your kids? (Part 1)

Parental conflict, whether parents are still in a relationship or not, can have a huge effect on children's well-being. Children in parental conflict situations often have emotional, behavioral and even physical symptoms that are directly related to mom and dad arguing. And while arguments in any relationship are bound to happen at one time or another, the more they occur in front of children and the more intense they are can directly affect the level of impact on our children.

Since I specialize in child and family counseling, unfortunately I see this damage frequently, and I repeatedly hear firsthand accounts from children living in these stressful family situations. No matter how long I do this or how many children's stories I hear, the emotional pain expressed in their voices still touches me every time.

One common theme I notice is that parents rarely grasp the extent of the damage caused by arguing and relationship conflict. While I'm sure most parents are well-intentioned, believe me when I say your children hear and sense much more than you realize. I've heard, "But the kids didn't hear us," followed by a detailed, heartfelt story from the child, more times than I can count. Parental conflict is like any another relationship conflict. There is an unmistakable tension that even the most innocent child can perceive.

This is the first of a two-part series on parental conflict, how it affects children and ways to reduce the damage. In this part, I will cover the main effects this type of relationship conflict has on children. In the next issue, I'll cover suggestions and guidelines for parents to reduce the damage as much as possible. Notice I said "reduce." Any parental conflict can have a detrimental effect on children. The trick is to reduce the damage and try to ensure your children feel safe and secure.

So let's get started. Below are some of the primary effects of parental conflict on children.

Parents often seek counseling due to behavioral changes and acting out behaviors. Parental conflict does have a direct link to behavioral changes in many children. These behavioral changes can manifest themselves in many different ways, largely depending on the child and his or her personality. Some of the more common behavior changes caused by parental conflict are as follows:

* Increased anger. This can be in terms of intensity, frequency and duration of the anger episode. Watch for changes in your child's mood and frustration tolerance. These can manifest at home, school or any other environment.

* Increased aggressiveness or violence. Children may become more aggressive toward siblings and parents in the home. Peer conflicts may result at school, where before the child got along with friends perfectly.

* Lack of emotional control. You may notice your child crying more easily or frequently. Maybe he or she is now getting upset over what appears to be something very minor, which would not have caused any emotional response before. Children may appear edgy or overly sensitive when before they could handle emotional situations more calmly.

* Becoming more reserved. This is the opposite of acting out behavior. While some children act out, others "act in." This refers to the child becoming more withdrawn and reserved. A previously outgoing child may become quiet and refuse to interact with family and friends. Signs include depressed mood, withdrawal and even physical symptoms. Stomach aches and headaches are examples of the physical symptoms that might occur.

* Relationship problems. As you know, children look to their parents as role models. It should be no surprise that parental conflict leads to the child developing many of the same relationship patterns witnessed between parental figures. Parents who argue frequently are modeling poor communication patterns for their children. This can result in problems with social skills, difficulty forming their own healthy relationships and decreased self-esteem.

* Trouble with focus. Children in families with a great deal of parental conflict may also seem distant and lack the ability to focus. Attention skills may be limited. I'm sure you can relate to the challenges staying focused when much bigger, more pressing concerns are weighing on your mind. For example, how can you focus at work if you don't have enough money in your bank account to make the next mortgage payment?

So there you have it: some of the most common negative effects parental conflict can have on children. In the next issue, I'll cover tips for parents to reduce the negative effect of arguing and other parental conflict as much as possible. I'd love to hear your thoughts, and I welcome any questions or suggestions you'd like me to cover in the second part of this article! Just email me at shannona@tenderheartschildtherapycenter.com.