NEWS FROM AROUND THE GLOBE: THE SKY IS FALLING, THE SKY WAS FALLING

First we're told an asteroid might ram into the earth in the year 2028. Then one day later we're told the asteroid will miss by 600,000 miles.

My question is, did the White House spin team have anything to do with this new calculation? Because if so, about a month from now we'll hear, "the asteroid did have a close personal rendezvous with Earth planned 30 years from now, but nothing more."

Then later we'll hear that the asteroid did kiss the president, I mean the earth, but it was nothing intimate.

Then just when we notice this shadow getting larger and larger we're going to hear "initial reports of the asteroid were true!" Then Kaboom!!! (Is three exclamation points enough to illustrate the sound of a mile wide asteroid hitting the earth? And is kaboom really the sound it will make? And by capitalizing Kaboom did I drive the point home?)

How many more asteroids will have to come forward before we get the truth?

Well, enough of that...

The "Electronic Telegraph" in Great Britain reported, "A labour councillor who is having a sex change was thrown out of a women-only meeting because members decided that 'she' was still a 'he'."

Attorney General Janet Reno had to be pulled from the room kicking and screaming, "I'm a woman, you morons!"

In other Brit news, a soccer fan was awarded one million pounds in a settlement suit after he was crushed at a soccer match nine years ago. He suffered brain damage from the trauma.

Gee thanks, now I can get that new brain I've been wanting.

But since his brain is damaged he's decided to put all his new found money into one Beanie Baby.

Hey, according to Sally Struthers' math, all the money spent on Beanie Babies could have fed all the children of the world for 9,000 years. Or it could've been used to fund the president's legal defense fund for about two hours.

Moving on...

We read of a 35-year-old man who was released from prison when a court of appeals decided that the man's confession of murder wasn't enough to keep him behind bars.

The judge then made a plea to all future murderers, "in the future could you please perform the murder in front of a jury selected by council while video and audio tapes are being made and could you also leave a DNA sample for the lab? Because your sworn confession just doesn't hold up in my court."

And we wonder why O.J. walks free.

And there's good news for those of you who like to practice vices. Buenos Aires, Argentina, has passed an ordinance that legalizes prostitution and public intoxication.

There is some bad news, the ordinance places strict prohibition on soccer hooliganism, gang activity and tomb desecration.

Drunken, erotic, pleasure seeking, Nazi, grave robbing, soccer hooligans have mixed feelings about the new ordinance.

It seems the sunset has arrived for another one of the world's last great vices, soccer hooliganism. Is nothing sacred anymore?

And this last note from the "Cincinnati Enquirer," an eighth grade King Mills student could face federal charges and (get this) expulsion for allegedly making death threats on e-mail to Bill and Hillary Clinton.

The head investigator in the case said, "we knew we were dealing with a product of the public schools when over half of the words in the threat were spelled wrong."