NEWS FROM AROUND THE GLOBE: THE BITE OF THE CENTURY

The wrestling community has recently added Mike Tyson to its roster and I'd just like to point out the marketing potential of adding Marv Albert to the wrestling community as well. You could bill a Tyson-Albert match as the Bite of the Century.

Of course, the ensuing action figures would be too dangerous for children and hey, don't leave that Tyson doll alone with Barbie, but then again what's the Albert doll doing to Skipper? Ouch! Yes!

Talking Barbie could have three new phrases like "let me out of this hotel room," or "ouch, that's my ear!" or "hickeys don't usually break the skin Marv."

But the wrestling world is missing out on other opportunities as well. Kenneth Starr could be dressed as a Salem witch hunter and he could wrestle the Pillsbury and Hustler-sponsored wrestling star Bill Clinton.

Not to mention the pure fun in the Caged Cat Fight of the Century between Hillary Clinton, Monica Lewinsky, Paula Jones, Gennifer Flowers and Janet Reno. Their stage names could be Rhod-Hammer, Intern-inator, Woman-Scorn, Genn-O-Cide and She's-A-Man, respectively.

Washington, D.C., Mayor Marion Barry could be "Crackhead."

Al Gore and Arlen Specter could be a tag team called "The Big Bores."

Boris Yeltsin could be "The Drunken Rage" or "puppet leader forgets who put him where he is," (but that last name would be too long). Yeltsin's tag team partner could be Sadaam Hussein a.k.a. "CIA Target," or "The Bad Dad from Baghdad."

Fidel Castro could be "Fidel the Infidel," and he could be a tag team partner to "Yassir the Peace Impostor."

But moving on...

To the frigid pages of the Iceland Daily News...

"Exploding Hand Flares found to be Defective," the paper that doubles as starter logs reported. Someone's bucking for investigator of the year in Iceland.

Off we go to a warmer climate...

Let's have some more fun with the Dominican Republic tourism industry news. They had this big news story proclaiming they don't have hepatitis. Well sign me up, I'm the next plane to paradise.

I can just see the t-shirts now, "We're so poor even hepatitis don't like us." Or "Hepatitis? Not by us." Or "We gotta a whole lotta other diseases but we ain't got the Hep." Or "My parents visited the Dominican Republic and all I got was this lousy t-shirt that says ain't you glad your parents didn't get hepatitis while they were here?" The possibilities are endless.

The no hepatitis campaign will be as big as that idiotic Missouri slogan "Where the rivers run." Yeah, where the rivers run...over their banks and into your house. Of course, that's still a better slogan than "Wake Up to Missouri's Methamphetamine Problem."

I mean if you want people to flock to our state why don't you just say what everyone wants to hear, "We wish Branson never happened." Say that and people will most certainly come.

Can't we give Branson to Arkansas? I mean pretty soon those Hanson kids are going to dry up and end up in Branson. How embarrassing is that? Hanson comes to Branson, the only thing scarier than that would be a Spice Girls Theatre in Branson. "If you want to be my lover, you gotta go see the Osmonds." Or "What we really, really want...is for you to go away." That's all for this week, Grrrl power to you all.