NEWS FROM AROUND THE GLOBE: I'M A DRUNK, BUT YOU'RE FIRED

Let's start off in Moscow at the "Moscow Times," where President Boris Yeltsin has fired his entire Cabinet. He has two weeks to name a new staff.

Yeltsin has wasted no time in naming his new staff. He's named Jim Beam, Jack Daniels and Yakov Smirnoff to his Cabinet. Oddly enough the announcement came after maids discovered three empty bottles of liquor in the president's Black Sea bungalow. The identity of the bottles is unknown at this time.

In another surprising move Yeltsin stated he always liked Johnnie Walker, but he has decided not to hire him because he suspects Walker's a Communist.

Moving on...

ATTENTION ALL BEANIE BABY CULTISTS: the mother ship has entered the solar system...repeat...the mother ship has entered the solar system.

To "The Age," in Melbourne, Australia, we go...

A recent study revealed that rich Americans were less likely to have sex than poor and middle class Americans. The Aussies said that the same is probably true for their population.

The report offers further proof that there is a God.

One problem with the study was the affluent Americans it polled. While the data from Bill Gates, Al Gore and Steve Forbes was most likely on the mark, critics are fairly sure President Bill Clinton lied when he responded, "once in a blue moon."

When asked to clarify, Clinton said he thought the question was asking about sex inside the marriage. He refined his answer to, "once in a Blue Moon hotel room, and 234 times a day in the Oval Office." He later stated that he was not a rich man, but a poor man and therefore a victim of his class.

To the "London Sunday Times," we go...

Engineers are planning to build the world's largest boat, called the "Freedom Ship," which will be a floating city with 65,000 residents. The boat will measure 4,320 feet long, 350 feet high and 600 feet wide and have an airport, golf courses and all the amenities of city life on land.

The boat will provide a tax haven for its residents as it circumnavigates the globe once every two years. It will also be able to withstand a hurricane and 100-foot-high waves.

The project manager said, "it is a chance to create the world's first ideal community."

James Cameron has already bought the rights to the boat's story when it sinks.

The London paper's main story was about a bungled espionage job by Mossad, Israeli intelligence. The agents were attempting to bug a terrorist's apartment in London, but they aborted the plan because they feared the terrorist was suspicious.

The reporter, from Tel Aviv, went on to write that the terrorist was still unaware of the plan by Mossad. Yeah, he was unaware until he picked up this morning's paper. Let's file this one under the file, "dumb journalists and the spies who hate them."

ATTENTION BEANIE BABY CULTISTS: the mother ship will land in a field south of town. Let the beans guide you...repeat...let the beans guide you.