NEWS FROM AROUND THE GLOBE: DIAL THIS YOU PINHEADS

Remember when dialing the phone didn't take a mathematics degree? I mean first it was just one and the area code plus the number. Then we get this 10-321 thing and now it's 10-10-321.

Where does it end?

The Jackson USA announces its long distance savings plan!!!

With this formula you will save an average of two and a half cents per call to Indonesia on Friday during a full moon at low tide during a full blown El Nino year.

Your savings formula is 1234 - 5678 - Next week's winning Powerball numbers here (in the order they are drawn) - square your favorite number + 1128 - Mark McGwire's current home run total for the season - plus the grains of sands in an average-sized hour glass - 543 - 555 - guess the number of jelly beans in a jar at a store in Nebraska - plus the number I am thinking at the time of your call - then one plus the area code (which probably has changed since you started dialing) then the number. After all of that we'll also need your PIN number for all of your bank cards.

Then you will hear the phone ring and you'll be at our new automated answering service.

"For Indonesia press 1 plus the star key, for Burma press 1 plus the pound key, for extra saving press 1 plus the 3, 5, 7, 9 and star keys in three consecutive sequences lasting no longer than two and half seconds, to end this call dial all the numbers you have dialed to this point in exact reverse order or a charge of $2 million will be charged to your phone bill. After you have successfully dialed all the numbers please stay on the line and wait for our telephone call termination automated phone system."

Just wait until you hear the Jackson USA's new collect call formula to save you mega bucks, but it's too long to print here, but look for it in your mail soon.

Due to recent reactions to columns in the recent past, I feel the need at this time to make a disclaimer statement.

Disclaimer: The opinions and statements made in this column are really the true beliefs of everyone remotely affiliated with the Jackson USA and those of you who think it's a vast conspiracy, you are completely correct in your thinking.

If we made fun of something chances are we seek to destroy it, because we are the media and we hate everything that's good and decent in the world.

If your kid's on drugs, chances are we bought the drugs. We even came up with the formula for methamphetamine because we were bored one day with all the other drugs like cocaine, heroine, crack and pot (pardon the pun).

We reared your children. Heck, we even reared you. We know your every move before you make it because we've brainwashed you from day one.

We are to blame for everything that has ever gone wrong throughout history. It's all our fault and we meant to do it from day one.

The first lesson in journalism school is nothing would ever happen in this world if we didn't start it.

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! We laugh at you. You are powerless against us, because you still find it hard not to believe us.

(Somewhere out there I envision some freak reading this and exclaiming "that's not a denial!")

Now to all of the normal people, I truly hope you enjoyed that and appreciate where it was coming from.

For all of you who want to kill the messenger and let the criminals go free, I truly hope you wake up someday and realize the human psyche isn't as frail as you make it out to be.

I refuse to be a murderer's scapegoat, no matter what age that murderer may be.