NEW FROM AROUND THE GLOBE: VOTE FOR WELLS, HE'S FOR OXYGEN

With today's pathetic campaign slogans and lackluster ideas that are prevalent in the political ads in the media, I've decided I'm going to run for office.

Why have I decided this? Maybe it's because I'm tired of politicians telling me things like "I'm for families," or "vote for me because I rode around the state in the front seat of my dad's old car."

I mean, why don't you really stick your neck out and say you're for oxygen, you bunch of cowards.

I long for the honest politician who says, "vote for me because I rode around the state in my dad's old car looking for prostitutes and crack."

It's not all the politician's fault, except that they did hire the public relations "genius" who decided the best way to get elected is to not take a stand on anything that might be "controversial."

Heaven forbid our leaders be accused of leading.

I'm sure I could win an election in today's political atmosphere on a slogan of oxygen, water and food for you.

I can see the commercials now. Close up shot of a nose breathing freely, then the voice over begins.

Vote for Michael Wells, he's for oxygen. Paid for by Michael Wells's campaign for oxygen.

Then there's the negative commercials. Shot of a desert and an actor that looks a lot like my opponent in ragged clothes with a look of bewilderment and panic. Then we pan around to an angry mob holding signs saying Michael Wells is for water, what are you for?

Then there's the food commercial where we show something out of Les Miserables and people eating rats and we show a photo of my opponent and we ask "do you want this?"

Then we cut to a beautiful field with a picnic for hundreds. And then I get to say my line, "Vote for me and eat whatever you want or vote for him and eat rats, you mindless electorate."

But let's explore more campaign strategies. Since it's obviously okay to lie in these campaigns. I'd run commercials that featured my opponent with the slogan, "he's for methamphetamine."

Of course, I'd never run that commercial here in Missouri, or I'd be defeated by a landslide.

For a Missouri campaign, I'd change course and run with the slogan, "Vote Wells he's whacked out on the Meth just like you."

"Do you want to breathe? Or would you rather choke in my opponent's carbon dioxide? Vote Wells this November and breathe easy," my billboards would say.

"My opponent says he's for families, but how does he expect them to breathe?" is how I would open up my debates.

Other issues I'd be for would be things like reading, driving safe, drinking milk, blinking, going to the bathroom and sleeping.

Issues that I'd have to ride the fence on would include Beanie Babies, though once elected I'd ban them forever and throw the crazed collectors in jail for 50 years. I am the Anti-Beanie you know.

Issues I'd come out against would be things like not blinking, other atmospheric gases not used by humans for breathing, people that smell bad or odd and lastly I'd be against thirst. That ought to bring in plenty of dollars from Sprite.

Then with only one week before the election I'd launch my most devilish attack to date. "My opponent doesn't blink, he breathes carbon dioxide, he drinks dirt, he eats rats and he doesn't go to the bathroom, which means he smells both bad and odd. He's also lactose intolerant and he's got a hidden agenda against milk. And to top all of that he drives like a maniac because he can't read and he doesn't sleep. How can my opponent be for families after all of that? Vote Wells or die.