LETTERS FROM HOME: CHILD-PROOF YULE

December 9, 1993

Dear Pat,

Cape Girardeau is all lit up for Christmas. Garlands are strung across Broadway, and each outdoor display seems to outshine the next. A train runs through a replica Colorado mining town in the front window of a downtown furniture store. There are bobbing gondolas, a Santa schussing overhead and outdoor sound effects.

We had a big Christmas parade, which appeared to be a ploy to get people downtown to shop but turned out quite nice. Lots of church youth groups. Brisk weather. Santa Claus on a Harley.

The firefighters on a ladder truck practically listing with lights strung some on themselves as well. The whole generator-powered scene crept down Broadway like it was missing from one of Spielberg's otherworldly movies.

Our county park is like that, a long lane of polyglot Christmas symbols placed there by service clubs, churches and the like.

The city also has a bus tour of the more spectacular outdoor lighting displays. Some of the houses are amazing. One guy's a pipefitter who works at the brewery in St. Louis a lot, and salvages the lights they throw out from their holiday decorations every year.

So far he has 5,000 himself, and in the spirit of Christmas has been giving the extras to his neighbors.

We have drive-thru Chinese food and drive-thru Christmas decorations. When I lived in Louisiana the state had daiquiri drive-thrus.

DC is getting ready to put her tree up as well. I write with a twinge. I suggested she wait on the mistletoe.

She's crazy about bubbling Christmas lights and nervy traditions like putting candles on the tree. She also tells me she likes falling asleep beneath the tree.

Nervy she is. There might be a better word.

All her co-workers have been invited to drop their children off for a day of making cookies and candy. The children range in age from near infants to teenagers, and number a few more people than gathered in the Bethlehem stable.

The co-workers think DC's daft, but this is no time of year to ignore gift horses.

She's a little concerned about child-proofing her house, especially with all those Christmas do-dads around. She has a friend who discovered her 1-year-old sucking on a burning Christmas light one year.

DC thinks I should put something in the paper asking people how to keep the kiddies safe from all the poisons and sharp objects masquerading as Christmas customs.

Everybody knows about poinsettias and mistletoe, but I didn't think about the damage Christmas balls can do until I saw "Home Alone."

Do you have some pointers? I'm sure Alan must have had close encounters with objects de Xmas. The last time DC was visited by tiny children, a brother and sister named Christian and Inga, they found her sewing basket and spilled hundreds of straight pins on the floor. Scary.

Christian also made a cocktail out of her parakeet's dirty water. Imagine him waking up early the morning after you've had a party and emptying all the unfinished drinks.

My mom's a constant worrier, and I'm beginning to understand why. How do parents put up with the anxiety? Probably like Robin Williams in "The World According to Garp." When the small plane crashes into the second floor of the house he and his wife are considering buying, he says: We'll take it. It's disaster-proof. What are the odds of something like that happening again?

Oh, right up there with the odds of DC and all her little pals getting through the day unscathed.

Love, Sam