LEND ME YOUR EAR: MISTAKES MY MOTHER NEVER TAUGHT ME

One of the most abused words in the English language is the pronoun "them," originally intended to serve as a noun, or the object of a verb or preposition.

On the assumption that children emulate their parents from birth, we believe parents who refer to their offspring as "them kids" are likely to have a son who tells his teacher she's "as pretty as them flowers on her desk." This son should go into politics, where grammar is considered less important than finesse.

We once had a housekeeper who asked whether she should put "them cheese" in the fridge, or "leave 'm be" till after lunch. This unenlightened soul was probably among the many who think words ending in the sound of "s" are plural.

"Them" is often used by the unschooled for "those," but "those cheese" would not have been acceptable either. The nominative form of "them" is "They," but the adjective is "these" or "those." I have yet to hear anyone say "they kids" or "they cheese." Hooray for our side.

Used as an object of a verb or preposition, "them" is often pronounced 'em or simply 'm, even by those of us who know better. Like leaving the "g" off the suffix "-ing," the habit springs from laziness. We say we are "goin'" to the movie, or worse still, we're "gonna go" to the movie.

Readers noted that I used "gotta" for "have to" in my last column, but they understood it was adopted merely as an eye-catcher. No one asked me whether "gotta" could be found in any dictionary, but James Kilpatrick has received requests to have "coupla" and "offa" dictionaryized. "Lotta," as in Notta Lotta Fat in Bugles, is a logical follow-up, in the same class with "gonna," "wanna," "hafta," "oughta," "shudda," "dunno," "yeah," "yep," "yes'm," "uh-huh," "nope," "and "no'm." I have no idea how "yep" and "nope" got into the act, but "yes'm" and "no'm" mean "yes, ma'm" and "no, ma'm." "Huh" expresses surprise or asks a question, and can be found in our dictionaries.

"Yeah" and "uh-huh" have also made the grade. "Yeah" is a spinoff from "Yea, yea, it shall be so," which is familiar to scholars. "Uh-huh" is an extension of man's first word -- a grunt. We spell this sound "uh."

According to my mother, both "yeah" and "uh-huh" belong in Never-Never Land, though I catch myself saying "yeah" even today. Last week my househelper caught me at it, and was delighted. I was delighted that she noticed.

My mother never warned me to watch out for "git" and "forgit". Today's networkers need spelling lessons, or a mother like mine, who always said "get" and "forget," and so do I. Nor will anyone ever catch me using "coupla" or "offa." In my book, anyone who buys two chairs buys two chairs, not a "coupla." And the person who buys them on sale at half price gets them at "half off" the price, not half "offa." Not even "off of" is permitted by knowledgeable speakers or writers.

Now for some words abused or improperly coined by others. A printing company is advertising "commercional" impressions for everything from drapes to T-shirts. Nothing is gained by inserting an extra syllable in "commercial", unless it is intended to be funny. Hearing it regularly over the air from a printing company, I call it sad.

On a recent segment of The McLaughlin Group, a panelist spoke of the "wimplification" of Robert Dole. Soon after, Dole proved he was no wimp by choosing Jack Kemp as his running mate, thus rendering the panelist's hasty coinage irrelevant.

Cal Thomas, the conservative columnist, on being asked whether he enjoyed that special party for conservatives in Washington, replied that he was "disinvited." We all know the feeling, so we laughed with, not at him. The offense was not in the coinage, but to the "disinvited."

A coinage we heard on a nearby network some weeks ago, however, confounded all viewers. A weatherman announced that the downpour currently shown on the TV screen was just like the weather "notherwhere." In view of the multitude of areas he pointed out, we gathered that "notherwhere" was supposed to mean "everywhere."

Clarity, my mother would aver, Thy name is NOWHERE.

~Aileen Lorberg is a language columnist for the Southeast Missourian.