LEND ME YOUR EAR: MISPLACED WORDS AND PHRASES CONTINUE TO ABOUND

Among the clippings enclosed in my Christmas mail was another tickler by humorist Dave Barry, whom readers have met before in the guise of Mr. Language Person. Barry writes for Knight-Ridder newspapers, and sometimes conducts or pretends to conduct question-answer seminars through his column. This time around, he included a question we doubt was more than 50 percent authentic: "When should I say between and when should I say amongst?"

I don't use amongst because it doesn't suit my style, and to judge by Mr. Language Person's response, it didn't appear in the question he allegedly received: "Let he amongst you whom is without sin and has a good arm see how far he can cast this here stone." If you are familiar with the Gospel of St. John, you know how the quotation goes: "He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone." You can find it in Chapter 8, verse 7.

Barry's example, of course, was written to entertain readers who know proper English and realize his blunders (he for him, whom for who, to say nothing of this here) were intentional. More to the point of this column are unintentional blunders made by careless writers and speakers.

First on our list is a news item published in the Washington Post, another goody from my Alexandria cousin and wife, Betty. According to the writer, a Vietnamese columnist and his wife were "gunned down and found with multiple wounds in their driveway." The rest of the article was missing, so what sections of their anatomies were wounded I failed to discover. But unless the reporter wanted to give readers a good laugh, which is hardly likely, he might have taken the time to re-read and re-structure what he'd written.

Misplaced words and phrases continue to abound in speech as well as writing, and why writers of commercials don't wake up to their blunders astonishes me. In a current promotion for Medipren, televiewers are informed of a new mother who "had a baby using Medipren." Does the creator of this gaffe mean the mother made a point of getting her baby to take the drug, did the baby use it of its own accord, or was it the mother who took it while having the baby?

Fruit of the Loom Ladies' briefs have been widely advertised by a number of outlets. We have no quarrel with the product, but so far we've seen no Fruit of the Loom Ladies behind the counters. They'd have to be knitted, wouldn't they? How about Ladies Fruit of the Loom briefs? This poses no problem if you know your size.

Speaking on CNN, a British commentator profiled a pilot in these words: "An experienced pilot, each false alert is taken seriously." The commentator made a pilot of each false alert. Correctly and just as simply put, his statement might have been: "An experienced pilot, he takes each false alert seriously."

On Crossfire, Michael Kinsley made this shocking declaration: "We look forward to this war that's coming on the economy." Kinsley couldn't have known what he said or he'd have revised it, given Pat Buchanan's permission. We may have a war coming on the economy it appears to have arrived already but the panelist was referring to the effect the war with Iraq would have on the economy.

Concluding a documentary about wolves, a well-informed narrator granted: "The more we learn about wolves, the more misunderstanding they are." We believe he intended to say that the more we learn about wolves, the less we understand about them. This is why I'm trying to keep the wolf from my door, though the narrator seems to think I should invite him in. I'll extend my invitation the second Tuesday in next week.

In USA WEEKEND, a couple was quoted as having said: "Together, raising our two daughters, we are pioneering new paths that America has many problems finding and staying in." You take this one from here.

Bill Keane's Dolly, whom he described as "the font of misinformation," provides a fitting conclusion to this column. In an effort to explain to Jeffy and P.J. precisely how President Lincoln died, she affirmed: "One night he drove his Ford to the theater. During the movie John Wilkes jumped out of the booth and shot Lincoln in his seat."

Dolly and Dave Barry should get together!