LEND ME YOUR EAR: IS EVERYONE `EXCEPTIONAL' ON PLANET MARS?

Recently, my aging Smith-Corona wrote "froward" when I had dictated "forward." These words have different meanings. At this point, I think I'm smarter than my typewriter even though today's column will be about words with opposite meanings. But are we always sure?

Everyone laughs at the idea that what's "hot" is "cool," and what's "cool" is "hot" because these conditions appear to contradict each other. Not precisely. The opposite of "hot" is "cold" and the opposite of "cool" is "warm." Nonetheless, this knowledge doesn't prevent our thinking of "hot" and "cool" as opposites.

In the June 14 issue of Time, Pico Iyer, a highly entertaining writer whom regular readers have met before, presents "A Dictionary for These Times" in the form of a letter written to "Mr. Martian" from "An Earthman." Earthman Iyer attempts to prepare his man from Mars for our "topsy-turvey science-fictive way" he will likely encounter when he arrives on our "alien planet."

"Alien," our Earthman explains, means "resident" as in "alien resident." Resident aliens are people from other countries who settle in America, which is made up of aliens. Only the "real" Americans are Americans who got here first. We thought the real Americans were Indians and Earthman Iyer himself came from a country known as India. Still, it's an admirable trait in anyone to think of others first, and besides, our real Indians are not the real Indians of India.

According to Earthman Iyer's Dictionary, "diversity" means "uniformity." If someone is determined to organize a diverse student body, it means he will admit only students more or less like himself.

"Inner city" means "outer space." Those who live in the inner city are usually "outsiders," whereas "insiders" live as far as possible from their alleged habitat. In similar vein, the "inner child" is even more "far out," at least in the minds of adults who have to cope.

"East" means "West," depending on where you are coming from. The Far East is to the West of the Far West, and the East Coast is one of the westernmost parts of the Western world. Not to worry, writes Earthman Iyer: To a U.S. President, "yes" means "no" in the East anyway, and in the American West, "a fat chance" means a very thin one.

"Left" means "right," according to Mr. Martian's informer. (Rush Limbaugh, take note!) In the former Soviet Union, the "rightists" are the conservatives: the people farthest to the right. Not to be confused with China, our Earthman recollects, where the Communists are "the most ardent capitalists around."

"Small" means "mid-size" in Earthman Iyer's view granted one is renting a car or eating at McDonald's. However, my friend Virginia Frenzel and I discovered some time back that a "midsize" sundae at Dairy Queen is "large" especially if we've already pigged out on a three-course dinner elsewhere.

"War" means "Peace." How well we know! The cold war, as Mr. Earthman enlarges, was only a way of keeping a tenuous peace between two belligerent superpowers. And the "war against drugs" is another way of repeating "just say No" again and again, and hoping victims won't take No for a Yes.

I may be alone in considering "great" a word with opposite meanings, at least when coupled with "price." Every time I hear a commercial plugging something that can be purchased at a "great price," I inform the TV screen that "great price" can be interpreted in opposite ways. It could be a bargain, or a price too rich for our purse.

Be that as it may, every Earthworld creature must agree with Pico Iyer that "pleasure" means "business." In fact, "entertainment" seems the only business making money on the planet that pretends to give every human being an equal chance.

Our Earthman's Dictionary includes many more opposite terms that Mr. Martian will need to learn once he arrives on planet Earth. I'd like to add one of my own. An "exceptional child" may be one who is mentally retarded, or one with a High IQ. Will this be a problem for the man from Mars or is everyone exceptional on yonder planet?