LEND ME YOUR EAR: GOING BACK TO THE WORLD OF ENGLISH

One reason the new technology is inadequate for teaching the English language is that computers have a language all their own. Time magazine has added a special spring issue for subscribers, with a two-page spread of computer "vocabulary" to help us understand what the world of cyberspace is all about.

Most of this computer jargon is just so much cyberbabble to me. The few familiar words included have strange new meanings. "Boot" is no longer an item of apparel to wear on the foot. "Boot" is a verb meaning to start a computer. In our language, "surf" means to ride out the waves, but in cyberbabble "surf" is a synonym for "search." I fail to see how "surfing" the Internet in the hope of discovering something unknown to man can help children learn to think in the language every American needs to know.

In an article in a recent issue of USA Weekend headed "Is My Computer a Person?" we read that although a computer might be designed to do all the things the human brain can do to trigger human responses, no computer can foretell human reactions because all brain reactions are unpredictable. In a companion piece on the same page, another expert pointed out that the infinite variety of brain reactions will prevent the most compelling TV and computer technology from aiding the cause of basic education.

We who are trying to preserve what is left of our incomparable mother tongue grant that we do profit somewhat from TV -- as an aid to watching the direction English is taking. Everyone loves words, and even the poorly educated are habitually making them up either to get into the act or to express what they want to say. We manage to catch a smattering of such coinages off and on, to ponder and share with readers. Can computers do as much? Does the Information Highway include what is not as well as what is? For example:

On a TV talk show, a critic declared our government was "graveltating" toward reform. At a televised business conference, a panelist complained of the rising tide of "inflatement." During a talk show on education, a caller informed us that what passes for learning is nothing but "rubbage."

Surely the critic who coined "graveltating" was thinking of "gravitating," and the panelist who used "inflatement" must have meant "inflation." The caller who mispronounced "rubbish" probably had a hearing problem and had never learned to spell.

None of these coinages appeared to be intentional. Among those that definitely are, "riverorian" strikes me as useful. A woman who loves our river deserves credit for the term, and I've added her self-styled neologism to my vocabulary.

"Foodaceuticals" is a drug company's term for describing a new pill so laden with vitamins it can be taken as a substitute for food. Know anyone who passes up dinner in favor of a pill? I think whoever is so inclined Needs Help, not a pill. But "foodaceuticals" tickles the funny bone. Kinda cute, don't you agree?

One recent addition to words missing from my reference shelves is "hyperlexia," probably a corollary to "dyslexia." As is generally known, "dyslexic" children are born incapable of learning to read or speak without intensive tutoring, though there are notable exceptions. The world-famous artist Michelangelo was among them.

On a TV documentary, I learned that there are children who can read fluently before age 2 without help or encouragement from parents or teachers. These miraculous earthlings are known as "hyperlexics." Most are born to average parents, and no geneticist has come up with an explanation. Oddly, "hyperlexics" have to be taught to speak.

Nor have our educators come up with the nationwide problem of how to turn schoolchildren into literate, productive adults who can think and converse in the language they have fallen heir to. Putting expensive technology in classrooms has failed. Increasing salaries to attract the creme of the colleges has failed. Decreasing the size of classes has failed.

What we all know is that somehow, our schools must return to teaching the basics. Punching buttons is no substitute for learning.