LEND ME YOUR EAR: ENGLISH LANGUAGE WILL SURVIVE AGAINST ALL ODDS

On April 1, after two April Fool phone calls from someone who hung up before I could answer, my thoughts turned to the news as presented over radio:

This university can hope on nationally SAT scores.

They have literally choice on euthanasia in the Netherlands.

Today will be one of the nicer days all year.

On Sunday, April 2, with three long-distance birthday calls to sandwich in between two church services over the air, to say nothing of trying to remember when to put those eye drops in, I contrived to record the following offenses by TV reporters:

Daylight Savings Time could prevent you getting to church before the Amen today.

A new witness for the O.J. Simpson trial will try and tell something that has not been revealed up to now.

Kids living in cattle country don't know the leather in the boots they wear come from a cattle.

By this time it was already past 10:30, when our church service begins, so I abandoned the TV for radio again. Our vicar was quoting that familiar passage about pressing toward the high calling of Christ. My guilt was partly assuaged by rationalizing that next to the high calling of Christ was the high calling of a language columnist with a deadline to meet. Never mind that it was a Sunday, the day we should just listen instead of working. Is it work if your calling is also your lifelong hobby?

Actually, my work began next morning, when doubts crossed my mind over the negative aspect of my notes. Even so, through force of habit, I switched the radio on before reaching for the coffee -- and was pleasantly surprised, to coin an adage. A reporter announced that the two highest-ranking Central High graduates were girls. We older Girls have always known we were smarter than boys, but the truth is seldom made public.

In the next instant, the announcer destroyed my mood again, explaining the two girls would be honored for their "scholistic" achievements. "Scholistic"! Lord o' mercy! I was so appalled, I failed to level the teaspoons of instant coffee I'd tossed smack-dab into the carafe. I drink my coffee black, but today's would be blacker than the fudge I'd made as a teenager when I didn't know the difference between "tbsp" and "tsp." But even then I knew the difference between "scholastic" and a word that didn't exist. Was the speaker thinking of "holistic"?

Now, 70 years later, I felt tempted to call the station despite my long-time resolve against the practice, but a more positive thought occurred to me. Why not invite readers to rewrite the sentences I had presented, and offer a prize for the best? A single glance at the outgoing stack beside me, however, reminded me that I can't even read half the mail addressed to Occupant, though "Occupant" is not the name on my box. What did I mean by asking for more mail!

Having thus resisted temptation twice, I proceeded with my own revisions for what they are worth to baffled readers:

This university has a right to hope its national SAT score ratings will bring more students to the campus.

In the Netherlands, euthanasia is a matter of choice.

Today will be one of the nicest days all year.

Daylight Saving Time could prevent your getting to church today before the Amen.

A new witness for the O.J. Simpson trial will try to tell something that has not been revealed.

Young people living in cattle country don't know the leather in the boots they wear comes from cattle.

And the reporter doesn't know "leather" is singular and "cattle" is plural!

Nonetheless, we will continue to strive toward the high calling of language no matter the examples set by a legion of broadcasters. Evidence to the contrary is in the till.

~Aileen Lorberg is a language columnist for the Southeast Missourian.