LEND ME YOUR EAR: AMERICAN ENGLISH TAKES MANY FORMS

For a reason few of us understand, the subject of making English our nation's official language is up for consideration again.

English is our official language. Our constitution is written in English. English is the language used in our courts of law, by our government, our schools, and in the business world.

On the other hand, we continue to harbor immigrants by the millions, and many establish settlements and never learn to speak or write our language. Moreover, the land we call the United States is so vast that regional expressions, accents, and ways of putting words together come near dividing American English into many languages. This is not to say we disapprove. We delight in the diversity and we laugh with, not at, the way English comes out for various segments of our population.

Among the most colorful are the Pennsylvania Dutch. These hard-working people are masters of the art of turning intransitive verbs into transitive, finding the almost-right word, and rearranging constructions after the fashion of their own language. Feast your eyes and ears on the following gems, gleaned from a paper napkin my friend Virginia donated to the cause:

I belled the door but it didn't make.

Look the window out and see if it's putting down anything.

It wonders me; it contraries me.

You keep here while I dress around.

These seats are so near I sit broad.

Throw papa down from the haymow his hat.

Jakie, load the wagon off ... so we can hitch the horses out.

Pop, don't eat yourself full ... there's cake back yet.

Come now, we make the dishes away ... then set ourselves awhile.

Aunt Min don't feel so pretty good ... her back ouches her somethin' wonderful.

Katy, comb yourself out...you're all strubbly.

Strubbly. Where this one comes from I've no idea. Not from any dictionary of the English language; not even my Dictionary of Slang. But the word comes to mind every time I see the hairdos and note the general appearance of rock stars and other show-offs and would-be-somebodies on TV.

"English Well Speeched Here, and Other Fractured Phrases From Around the World" is the title of a collection of "misspeaks" reviewed by Vic Smith in a column published in the Florida Times Union another welcome contribution from my friend Esther of Jacksonville. The book, by Nino Lo Bello, is copyrighted, so the columnist had to limit his list. For safety's sake, I'm limiting what I take from Smith. Just enough to demonstrate how important English has become to the whole world.

Sign in an airline ticket office in Copenhagen, Denmark: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."

Clothing store sign in Brussels, Belgium: "Come Inside and Have A Fit."

Swedish Furrier's window message: "Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin."

Two signs in a Majorca, Spain, shop entrance: "English Well Talking and Here Speeching American."

Florence, Italy, shop window sign: "Dresses for Street Walking."

Roman laundry sign: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."

Norwegian cocktail lounge sign: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

On dentist's doorway in Istanbul, Turkey: "American dentist, 2th floor. Teeth extracted by latest Methodists." (Note accidental pun in 2th floor.)

Athenian hotel concierge's desk sign: "If you consider our help impolite, you should see the manager."

Notice on a Roman hotel elevator: "The lift is being fixed for next days. During that time, we regret that you will be unbearable."

See how the whole world is struggling to accommodate English-speaking peoples? Obviously, English is well on its way to be-coming the universal language. Why do we need legislation to ensure it is ours?