Keeping friendships as we age

Everybody's social network is shrinking. That is what the latest research shows, according to Dr. Judy Stephens Long, a specialist in adult development at Fielding University.

"The average number of close friends has shrunk from something like three to one," says Dr. Long. She also cautions: "It is important not to take a trend that seems to be general and decide that it is a product of aging."

But is it? Do we have a more difficult time creating or even maintaining relationships as we age? This is important, given that cognitive decline is related to a decline in relationships.

"I believe there is a natural purging of friends," reports therapist Marsha Marcoe. "I believe we prioritize our time with people according to what they can do for us in support of our lives.

"I believe we make lists covertly as we climb in years."

Jean evidently agrees. "I no longer have time for the drama!"

Helene believes that it is more difficult to form friendships due to what she sees as our tendency to be more judgmental as we get older. Our experience gives us less willingness to suffer fools.

"I don't think it is harder to make friends when you are older ... but you must stay open to new people," wrote Sally in an e-mail. She believes making new friends can be an antidote to the "geezerization" that comes from constricted, judgmental thinking: "Avoid rut-thinking. Different is good; it shakes up my thinking. I like to see what's going on in the world outside my little head."

Since women are perceived to be better at making and maintaining relationships, I was interested in hearing from my male correspondents on their experience with this subject.

Wayne captured the most common theme expressed by the men I heard from. "In middle age, my social network has seemingly maintained an equilibrium. I don't exert much energy to make new friends, mostly due to time constraints. E-mail helps."

I was pleased to hear from my old high school pal, Bill, who said, "In recent years I have started to try to rekindle some old friendships from my adolescent and college years. I think that this is natural as we quit trying to 'build our resumes' and begin to reflect on what's more important in life: relationships."

Traditionally, men seem to put less emphasis on relationships than women, focusing instead on work and getting relationship needs met increasingly within the family structure. Yet I often hear from men about their increasing despair over a lack of friendships that aren't defined by business or competition.

Rob pointed out that recent studies have shown nurturing relationships outside the family prolong our lives. "I think as we grow older we learn the true value of friendships. We find that true friendships take lots of effort but pay great rewards."

Rob and his wife, Judy, are two people I know to be successful at developing and promoting friendship in their later years.

Judy told me that she loves the Bob Dylan line -- "He who is not busy being born is busy dying" -- because it relates well to friendships. "They require time and nurturing. And life has to stay very interesting so that friends have a supply of new gifts to share with one another."

Judy concludes, "I think our networks enlarge as we age because we know better who we are and what brings us light."

Rob gets the final word: "Yes, we have more friends but we cannot remember who they are."

Dr. Michael O.L. Seabaugh, a Cape Girardeau native, is a clinical psychologist who lives and works in Santa Barbara, Calif. Contact him at mseabaugh@semissourian.com For more on the topics covered in Healthspan, visit his Web site: www.HealthspanWeb.com