JUST A WACKY GIFT SUGGESTION FOR THE HOLIDAYS

With all the Christmas decorations out, you know, I get like in the mood to pick up a few presents. I went like to the mall, you know, and had to walk like a quarter of a mile from my car. You know what I'm saying?

Aware, you know, of some meanness that goes on at this season of good will, I like waited until I saw some innocent-looking people getting out of a car ahead of me, and I thought like, you know, I'd follow them. You know what I'm saying?

You know they walked like too fast for me and soon I was a good way behind them. I heard some screeching teen-agers, you know what I mean, coming up behind me. I slowed to let them go around.

Teen-agers have money to spend, you know, these days. I mean like big money. You know what I mean? They were talking like videos, gold chains, cashmere, White Shoulders. Big things, if you follow me.

I had in mind like hand cream, mittens, glycerin soap. You know what I mean?

Times, they say are hard, you know. But at like Christmas time, it don't make no difference. People come up with like money one way or another. Know what I'm saying?

Stopping by the Christmas wrapping paper shelf like at one store, I looked for holly-decorated paper which, you know, or maybe you don't, is a trademark of my holiday wrappings. Hard to come by.

I went to four stores and, you know, I couldn't find none nowheres.

At a mall you walk about like three miles, you know, before you find what you want, or the next thing to it. You know what I mean?

Mittens I wanted were like 157 steps away, you know, from the hand cream that smelled good. I like things that smell good. Like I expect other persons to like the same things I do if you know what I mean. Some people, you know, like Chantilly. Others don't. Right?

I saw someone drop a couple of pennies, you know, on the floor, and, looking down at them, he just kicked them aside. I almost bent down to pick them up for myself, you know, like some one who had heard that to find a penny was good luck, or a penny saved is a penny earned. But I had a Christmas thought. Maybe, you know, like some little kids would come along and be thrilled to death with those pennies. Well, you know, I don't really mean death.

So after about 157 steps more, dodging people and "pardoning mes," I found the mittens. Striped like. Red, white, black. I sort of held them up, looking for defects. You know what I mean? And someone standing next to me said, "Those are pretty, aren't they? But kids don't wear mittens much anymore."

I like thanked her for the information, saying I wasn't up much on kids' hand wear anymore and turned away to look for something else. It's really hard shopping for a younger generation if, you know, you don't have gold chains in mind. You know what I'm saying?

Two hundred steps farther along the jammed corridors, I like entered a store that had books for sale. I browsed around. Books are always good for any generation. That is, if they can read. Know what I'm saying?

Most of the books were like too expensive. But I came across one that had a pretty hard back, but no title nor author's printing at all. Blank.

It was a book yet to be written, but already hard bound. I stood there a while leafing through it you know, waiting for the person on my right and on my left, pushing and shoving very unmanneredly, to make some comment, like "What did it say?" or "Invisible ink?"

Since no one gave me anything like advice, I thought, aha, I've found the very gift I need to send to some acquaintances I know. Furthermore, I thought I could supply the title and let them take it from there. Right?

My supplied title? "How to Carry on a Conversation Without Sticking in Annoying Words like Like, Well, You Know What I'm Saying? Right?

REJOICE!

P.S. Thank you in advance for any such book I may receive for being so almighty uppity like, well, you know.