JOY ALONG THE WAY: OFFERS YOU CAN RESIST

"Mrs. Mosley, this is Phonyscam Photographers Inc. We have an exceptional bargain this week I'm sure you won't want to miss. We have a family speci------"

"No, thank you."

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"Mrs. Mahsley, I'm sure you've heard of our company, Shelterson Siding. We can put siding on your house for practically nothing if you would be willi------"

"Brick, here."

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"Mrs. Mouseley, we've noticed some major cracks in your driveway and we'd like to------"

"No."

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"Mrs. Moosley, this is a representative from the Annagram Insurance Co. If you're on Medicare you will be intere------"

"No."

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"Mrs. Masley, we have a free gift for you. Isn't that nice?"

"No."

"But you don't even know what it is. Let me explain."

"A gift is always free, sir, and I suspect I know what your gift is."

"You do? What?"

"A coastal lot in Florida."

"Hey, you must be psychic. We like giving free gifts to those in the upper echelons------"

"Upper echelons of what?"

"Uh, well, let me tell you about this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for living in paradise during your declining years."

"Declining years! Whence came that information?"

"That's good, Mrs. Masley, 'whence.' But, back to our free gift. All you have to do is give us your credit card number and a hundred-dollar deposit and within an hour you'll have a lease in the mail on this choice bit of property facing the blue waters of the gulf. White sands. Palms. Gentle, perfumed zephyrs off the ocean. There's a long waiting line and if you're as smart as you seem to be you will not miss this opportunity."

"Oh, sir, I wouldn't miss this for the world. How can I thank you for picking me from the millions. Do you have pencil and paper handy?"

"Yes, yes."

"My card number is 00002886978650000------"

"Wait just a minute Mrs. Masley. You must be reading from some other document."

"No, this is the proper one."

"What does it say at the top?"

"It says, 'Official Card to Thwart Shysters------ Hello? Hello?

"Mrs. Mosley, did you receive the information we recently sent you?"

"I receive a lot of information. A lot of it unwanted."

"I know what you mean, and I don't blame you for the skeptical tone of your voice, but I think you'll find this information different. Perhaps you threw our letter away?"

"Perhaps."

"We can always send you another one, but while I have you on the phone let me just give you a run down of what we offer. By-the-way, Mrs. Mosley, do you live alone?"

"Not always."

"How many are in your household?"

"Fifty-seven."

"Wow! I wonder if we have the right address?"

"I imagine you have. You got my phone number somehow and if you'll look closely, you'll see my address right beside it."

"But that's a one-family residence?"

"How did you know?"

"Well, er------"

"You're fooling with the wrong party, sir. I'll have you to know I'm in the upper echelons------ Hello? Hello?"

REJOICE!

~Jean Bell Mosley is an author and longtime columnist for the Southeast Missourian.