JESS DU JOUR: O CHRISTMAS TREE, O CHRISTMAS TREE

Bob was beginning to get on my nerves. We had been meandering around his Christmas tree farm for three literal hours, and a few of his mannerisms and body aromas were becoming quite unbearable. He ushered us down row after endless row of trees -- and the longer I stared at the trees, the worse Bob smelled.

"Look kids, we've never seen one like this before!" my mother would say, motioning to yet another Blue Spruce of average height, width, and color.

"That's lovely, Mom. Do you smell something?" And our group would trudge on.

Millennia later, we had chosen a tree. A Blue Spruce of average height, width, and color was flopping out of the back of our Bronco. We wished "Merry Christmas and bathe regularly" to Bob and the other workers, and drove off with our tree.

The Spruce, by the time it had reached our living room, had shrunk considerably. Its exterior branches had been splintered off during the trip through the front door and were strewn about on our carpet. It had found its final resting place in the middle of our floor.

But successfully obtaining a Christmas tree is only the beginning. The presence of a tree, in most American households, triggers the release of a unique hormone in the adult endocrine system that activates them to spontaneously haul out 47 boxes of Christmas ornaments and decorate until the wee hours of the morning.

Christmas tree decoration, for the McCuan family, is a customarily sane event. We carry around three boxes, full of toilet-paper roll angels and cotton ball Santa Claus heads, down the stairs.

Some families, whose parental decorating hormones have gone koo-koo, are not so fortunate. They close IRAs and peddle family heirlooms to buy more tree decorations. They haul their ornaments in by the 16-wheel truckload and unpack them box by box.

There is, however, a more energy-efficient way to decorate a tree ... via a select group of your soda and junk food-deprived cohorts!

What the heck, you ask, am I referring to? Throw a tree-decorating party! Purchase approximately 83 bags of Doritos and enough Pepsi to fill a small swimming pool. Grab the phone and call your friends and have THEM come and decorate your tree.

But tree-decorating parties, in my opinion, dilute the whole Christmas tree decorating scene. Other major Christmas-diluting factors: artificial Christmas trees.

First, man invented the wheel. Then, he invented the Christmas tree made of twisty ties and green construction paper.

I am still searching for a contraption that is as utterly complicated as the artificial Christmas tree. Artificial trees, though they seem ideal and cost-efficient for the holidays are, frankly, a pain in the anal sphincter (e.g. assembly, fluffing).

Assembling and fluffing an artificial tree is about as enjoyable as say, plucking hairs from one's upper lip. If an individual is bright enough to actually erect all 23 pieces of the tree, they are then plagued with the chore of "fluffing."

Fluff (v.) -- 1. to pick apart a kazillion small pieces of green construction paper until they resemble real Christmas tree leaves.

I'd opt for a real tree any day. (Christmas tree farmers can make checks payable to Jessica McCuan.)

This Christmas, my advice to the Christmas-tree-decorating world:

1. Bathe regularly and avoid odoriferous Christmas tree farmers named Bob.

2. Have Pepsi and Doritos on hand at all times.

3. Buy a real tree-- (no fluffers necessary)

~Jessica McCuan is the editor of the Squawler, the Jackson High School newspaper.