JESS DU JOUR: A CLEARER PICTURE OF VALENTINE'S DAY

Thomas Kempis, a wise German monk, once said, "Love is a great thing, a great good in every wise; it alone maketh light every heavy thing and beareth evenly every uneven thing."

... and then little naked Cupid, with his double-barrelled bow, pulled out two arrows and shot Thomas Kempis in the kneecaps.

Pardon my vividness. I mean no ill will towards Thomas Kempis. In fact, this is an accurate, eloquently-stated quotation. That is, of course, if one has (a) never actually been in love, or is (b) in love with Thomas Kempis.

If you have, however, stumbled into love at some point in your life and are NOT attracted to old, bearded priests, you can, from experience, tell Kempis that he's been sitting inside his monastery too long. We normal, unbearded folks know that love is typically a jumbled mess. Metaphorically speaking, love is a dish of rotten leftovers in the refrigerator of life, and at no holiday is this fact more apparent than Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day, for most females, surfaces all sorts of complex-forming questions. Will I get any FLOWERS? Will someone ask me on a date? Will I get any FLOWERS? Should I get a guy I like something? What should I get him? Will I get any FLOWERS? Will the fat girl next to me get more FLOWERS then me?

Needless to say, receiving flowers on Valentine's Day is a fairly significant event in a teenage girl's life. For members of the reading audience who are unlearned about the world of teenage status symbols, let me be the first to inform you that flowers on Valentine's Day rank right up there with Purple Hearts and Pulitzer Prizes.

Girls will cluster together in the corners of classrooms to plot their Valentine's flower schemes:

Typical teenage female: "Okay, I'll probably get one rose from Mom and Dad and six from Freddy. If he sends less than six, I'll dump him and ask Jim on a date. By 3 p.m., I should have roses coming out my nose."

Upon receiving flowers, girls will giggle incessantly and parade through the hallways, flowers in one arm, a handsome beau on the other, smiling for the passers-by.

A gaggle of girls will approach the Flowered One, coo about her flowers, and wander off, now thoroughly depressed about themselves and their unsuccessful Valentine's Day.

But added to flower anxiety is a question that I am now wrestling with myself. What should one purchase for a GUY on Valentine's Day? Flowers? Candy? Heart-shaped fishing rods? Red and pink power tools?

Most women pursue the perfect gift for hours before the Valentine's holiday, scrounging through gift shops and fishing stores, exerting vast amounts of time and mental energy on their male counterparts. Ultimately, their time is wasted.

A typical male, upon receiving his gift, will mutter a monotonous "thank you." If the gift is, in any way, shape, or form PINK, he will smile tactfully as he hides it in his car.

Their girlfriends, who are at this point thoroughly confused, will eventually come to two conclusions:

1. Men are finicky and macho about the gifts that they receive on Valentine's Day.

2. Men do not CARE what they receive on Valentine's Day.

I believe that, this Valentine's Day, instead of pondering over gifts for guys or sending myself a dozen roses, I will change my reference quotation.

George Jean Nathan, a 1950's editor and drama critic said, "Love is the emotion that a woman feels always for a poodle dog and sometimes for a man."

Jessica McCuan is a student at Jackson High School and the editor of its student newspaper, the Squawler.